Right now, in my head, the song “Feel” by Robbie Williams is playing, a song that is the source of the title of today’s blog entry. Perhaps at some later time I will write an analysis of this song’s lyrics, but right now my musings have taken a much more personal turn, and I do not wish to be tied to a narrow examination of a song when other matters far more deep and pressing weigh on me at this moment. So, I give fair warning that this will be one of those navel gazing sort of philosophical musings, so you can either relish that or find some other entry to read if you prefer.
Over the course of my busy and often very strange days I ponder many deep questions that I have few outlets for conversations. After all, there is a deep difficulty in talking about matters with people who do not understand contexts, and it is often very difficult to explain contexts. So, it happens that my personal conversations are generally rather limited to other teachers here, because they understand what is going on the best. Obviously, that makes one’s world rather insular, and complicated, but that is the subject for a post that will probably never be written. At any rate, there are a lot of things that happen that really hit very deeply, and it’s hard to process and handle such matters.
I tend to think externally, which makes it particularly awkward for me, because I need people willing to talk about things while I ruminate and spin my wheels, or I need to write about things at length and over and over again. That said, much of what I experience tends to make me ask myself (and God) rather serious questions. I ask Him for guidance on how to deal with matters (as I recognize my own tendency to bungle things on a regular basis), and I ponder the ways in which my service to and with others forces me to wrestle with my own demons and those of other people. These are dark and serious matters, and I find that so many of the same issues appear over and over again, as it is clear that we have all been greatly affected by grave evil.
And yet I do not wish to dwell on that evil, for obvious reasons, even though it creates a context that makes everything so serious and so heavy and so complicated in my life. But in wrestling with these issues over and over again, I wonder what it is that God wants to me to learn, and where one goes from here. I know that I will be a very different person on the other side, but I don’t really know where the road twists, and I don’t understand exactly why I have to wrestle with the precise problems that I do, unless there is a vastly deeper purpose for such matters that requires successful resolution. In the context of where my life has been the past few years, the challenges I am wrestling with do not make sense unless that context is going to change. And where and how it changes, that is a matter of considerable uncertainty.
I don’t understand this road I’ve been given for a variety of reasons. And these reasons are personal to me, and are not really about anyone else, though of course other people are involved in the way these reasons are worked out. I know where I am, and where I have been, but I’m not precisely sure where I am going. There is both a liberating and a scary aspect to this, in that I’m generally the kind of person who likes a lot of information and a lot of details, and I simply do not have that information at all. I have to make do the best I can in the meantime while the road is unclear, until I have that kind of knowledge, and walk on faith since it is impossible to walk by sight. In some ways I really don’t know what I’m doing, but I pray often that I will learn before too long. In those ways where I know what I’m doing I just try to work on doing as well as I can consistently and with love and respect for others. And hopefully that is good enough.
The fact that there are many possibilities and many roads makes life a bit more of an adventure, if an uncertain one. I am grateful that what appears to be happening is a second chance, and a fresh start. Perhaps it is not important to know exactly where this is going, except to know that it feels like what I am going through now, in so many ways and situations, is wiping the slate clean, learning new ways of communicating, learning a lot more about where other people come from and wrestling with issues from the outside that I know very well from the inside. And perhaps in helping others clean the slate of their own lives on a day in and day out basis as I do, perhaps I help to clean my own as well. God only knows it needs cleaning, and He has His own reasons for bringing me along this path that I must admit I do not know very well. But I will walk it nonetheless, to find happier destinations.