Once upon a time, as an undergraduate student in Southern California, I dated a young woman who was both a budding business student (she later got a Ph.D in Finance) as well as a fan of country music. At the time, having grown up in the rural South, I was not keen on anything that would remind other people that I came from the country, keen as I was of leaving that particular world and the sort of narrow-mindedness as I grew up around as a bookish outsider in unfriendly territory. Most people, unless they had some imagination, would have a hard time finding a great deal of connection between the two, even if country music is among the most business-minded of genres of music (whatever prejudices people may have about its fans), with its slick professional writers and musicians dominating the Nashville scene.
Some years after leaving Southern California, I had it in mind to write a series of songs with titles in Latin with lyrics that would be vastly more accessible. Among the situations I envisioned was described by the Latin phrase “ceteris paribus,” which is one of the favorite fallacies of finance experts, meaning “all other things being equal.” In order for finance experts to make a proper comparison of different options, they resort to trying to determine what would be the best course of action for a person or a business (or a society) in a world where all other things were equal except for the returns on investment between option A and B, or whatever other options also exist. Life does not tend to work out that way. All other things are never entirely equal, for reasons that are not necessarily economic, but because as human beings we tend to make everything more complicated than it has to be.
The situation I envisioned in the country song I ended up writing called “Ceteris Paribus” was where the narrator was a man who had been separated from his family in the search of a good job to allow him to provide economically for his wife and children even if he himself had to be far away from them. Seeking to reassure his wife that he remained loyal to her, he would say “All other things being equal, I’d rather be with you,” as an expression of his genuine sentiments, even if it might be difficult for a wife and children left behind to believe or understand that sentiment sometimes. At the time I wrote the song, I was in my mid-to-late 20’s, and did not know anyone personally who was in that particular situation, although it was one that I could imagine easily enough because I tend to have a fairly vivid imagination as well as at least some ability to identify and relate to other people and empathize with their thoughts and concerns.
As it happens, I have now had the chance to see or at least hear about at least two situations among my friends where there is a father estranged from his wife and children not because of some misdeed on the part of either husband or wife but, at least from what I can see, from economic reasons. I have seen the sad faces of young people who deeply miss their fathers and reminisce on the things that they used to do for their dads, and clingy and affectionate in those rare moments where they get to see their fathers. I have seen mothers left to raise children by themselves steeling themselves and striving to be brave and strong for their children despite not being particularly pleased at their situation. I have also seen fathers working hard and expressing a deep and passionate longing to do what was possible to help make their families whole again through their labor. For all parties involved, all other things being equal, I am sure every single one of those fathers and mothers and children would rather all be together. Sadly, all other things are never equal. A man may find that in order to earn a decent livelihood he has to live in some forsaken place like North Dakota, where the rest of his family is unable or unwilling to follow for whatever reasons (and, to be honest, North Dakota would be a rather difficult place for many people to live). A man may also find himself with a wife and child with visa troubles seeking to earn enough money as a Mary Kay salesman (something else I would figure to be difficult) to reunite his family once again.
In pondering the fate of those around me, I find that my country song manages to reflect a reality that is both poignant and very easy for many people to relate to. It is commonly said to people that they should go where the jobs are, but our economic life, as important as it is to ensuring that we can afford the food to put in our bellies (and those of loved ones) as well as a roof over our heads, is only one aspect of our lives. As human beings there is a lot of other needs and concerns that we have, including the love and affection of others as well as more abstract principles such as loyalty and honor and integrity and respect. Where there is a lot of physical distance between ourselves and others, it may be difficult for us to bridge the emotional distance that comes from not seeing someone often and not being able to communicate with them often or in as deep a way as can be done face to face. There is a cliched expression that absence makes the heart grow fonder, but a more accurate rendering of this expression is that absence makes a heart grow fonder for someone else. Sometimes that may simply lead people to look for substitutes that they can have for that which they cannot have around them, without any sort of disloyalty or treachery involved in the decision.
In some ways, I suppose I can relate to the situations of my friends, even if my family’s separation was due to a lot more than merely economic separation. I hope that if I am ever blessed to have a wife and children of my own that we are not put in that situation either. It would be deeply frustrating and sad to have waited so long for a wife only to feel it necessary to part to provide for them in absentia. I hope that my wife and kids would be able to see my love for them, to feel my hugs and kisses and not have to wait months or years at a time to see the way I feel about them and to wonder what happens the rest of the time when we are apart. It is one thing to say that all other things being equal, I’d rather be with you, but in the final analysis, that simply isn’t good enough for most people to feel really content. Life is too short to be cut off from the love and respect of those whom we care about the most, however we are able to express it across the space between ourselves and them.
