This morning a friend of mine made me aware of an article that had been written about the subject of loneliness. Like me, this friend is rather sensitive to being attacked for feeling lonely and frustrated about unfulfilled longings for love and intimacy. When I read the article [1], I did not see the article as a personal attack, but the fact that such an attack could be seen and felt suggests that the subject of loneliness, specifically as it relates to those of us who are single and do not desire to remain that way, is something that needs to be handled with more delicacy than it often is. In fairness to the author of the article (who is a minister whom I know very well personally, in fact, the pastor who baptized me into the Family of God some twelve and a half years ago), it does not appear as if there was any attempt at all to insult anyone for feeling lonely, but rather an encouragement to do something productive about it. Nonetheless, since the insult was felt (if not by me), it is worthwhile to discuss this issue and the larger problems that it is related to.

Why do we feel lonely in the first place? Our loneliness generally springs from a longing for intimacy and connection that we find lacking in our lives. We desire intimate and close friends, a close connection to God, for a husband or wife to be at one with. There is nothing wrong about having any of these longings. The people who write articles about loneliness are by and large people who appear to have dealt successfully with that loneliness (or to have avoided at least a large part of it by marrying young and happily, an experience denied to many of us by circumstance). There is thus often a disconnect between the feeling of competence on the part of those who write and speak about the subject of loneliness and the feeling of a lack of sympathy and compassion on those who feel targeted by such articles and messages.

I feel at some pains to comment that there is nothing wrong at all about feeling lonely, and that no one should feel attacked or made to feel guilty for it. In fact, far from being wrong, feeling lonely is a reminder that one is human and needs companionship, company, and intimacy [2]. The presence of longing for the company and affection of others reminds us that we are not created to be solitary beings but rather were created to be part of families, ultimately the Family of God. Feeling cut off and excluded and rejected from others is supposed to make us feel bothered. If we are created and designed to be part of earthly and heavenly families and nations and peoples, then the absence of that fellow feeling with others is going to cause discomfort and distress to those with those proper longings for connection with others.

The only question and concern is what one does about these longings. I will admit that I am certainly susceptible to feeling lonely, and I am sensitive to the loneliness of others in large part because I am sensitive to loneliness myself to a very high degree. My own feelings of loneliness drive me to find like-minded people with whom I can have serious and deep and positive communication whether they can be found among those few English speakers around me, as well as in long-distance (usually internet) communication with friends and acquaintances far far away. At other times I am driven to prayer and reading and Bible study and large amounts of writing to communicate about my life in the hope that it will reach sympathetic eyes.

Loneliness should drive us to two tasks. The first is determining if we are really alone. If we are God’s people, we should never be entirely alone, no matter how remote we are (and often I feel very remote myself). After all, we should have God living within us, and that would prevent us from being entirely alone. That said, our loneliness is often targeted to the precise feelings of intimacy that we feel that we lack. Sometimes we lack close friends with whom we can talk about what we think and feel and know those thoughts and feelings will be respected and honored. Sometimes we lack touch and physical intimacy that we seek. Knowing exactly how we feel lonely ought to drive us to fulfill those longings in a godly fashion, since they tell us what we are missing and give us the encouragement to do what is necessary to meet those needs, and to pray to God for all of His help in meeting those needs, seeing as we may not be confident or competent in meeting those needs for ourselves without divine assistance.

The second thing we must remember is that loneliness is a feeling, not a reflection of reality. We can feel isolated and rejected and lonely even if there are other people (whether closeby or far away) who deeply love and care for us. But if we cannot see and recognize and feel that love and concern, we do not gain benefit from it. We must therefore seek to gain a true picture of the feelings of others for us, particularly those we care about, so that we are not hurt by wounds that are not meant, or troubled by rejection where no rejection is given. Having a sure grasp on reality lets us know who truly cares for us, so that we can focus our time and attention and care on those who are of like mind and like heart. It is in that way that we eradicate loneliness, through the building of strong and genuine and lasting friendships and other kinds of relationships.

Ultimately, loneliness is like an alarm system going off that tells us that we are not properly connected to others around us. This alarm is for our well being and it should not be mocked or insulted, nor should we feel bad at all about being sensitive to matters of such importance as our connection to God and to others. Rather, we should be concerned if we do not long for love and connection with others. What we do once we hear this alarm is of the highest importance, though. What we should do is to seek accurate knowledge to know if our feelings reflect reality or not, so that we do not feel loneliness when we are in fact being accepted and loved by others, and then to take actions to build connections with others by being involved in something larger than ourselves. And, God willing, hopefully we will soon find that God supplies our need so that we need not feel lonely anymore.

[1] http://www.ucg.org/christian-living/alone-or-lonely/

[2] Let us not forget that one of the first things that God did once he had created Adam in the Garden of Eden was to make him lonely so that he would long for a wife, a need which God quickly filled by creating Eve from his rib. See also: http://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2010/12/18/it-is-not-good-that-man-should-be-alone-an-antidote-to-pre-celibacy-counseling/