The Chiang Mai Diet: Part Two

Having previously discussed the context of the Chiang Mai diet in a previous discussion [1], today I will share my tips on how you too can lose up to a third of your body weight just like I did, while living in supposedly the safest place on earth.  The laughing you get while thinking of northern Thailand as the safest place in the world will help to burn some calories, but for the most part my weight loss tips do not involve a lot of exercise.  In this handy weight loss guide I will give some proven ways that you can lose weight and some tips if you want to be particularly extreme about your weight loss, all while eating three or more full meals a day.   Losing massive amounts of weight need not involve starving yourself or drinking only water or grapefruit juice.  No, you can do it with Thai food.  How, you ask?  Let me show you how.

Ordinary Tips:

Mountain Rice:  Two words.  Mountain rice.  If you want to lose the weight, one of the most effective ways to do it is to replace your bread and other starchy items with indigestible mountain rice.  You’ll really lose those pounds in a hurry when you fill yourself with food that your body will not know what to do with because it lacks the right gut bacteria.  If the rice isn’t tasty enough on its own, you can eat it with eggs or other food.  It’ll just be coming out again in a few hours, so there’s no need to make the eating unpleasant.

Eat Local, Part One:  Part of eating local will be not eating what locals don’t eat.  And what’s that?  Red meat and dairy.  The Thai aren’t big on eating beef and if you want to eat like the locals, neither will you.  Eating of dairy food is so limited that government campaigns to encourage the eating of calcium pills in order to avoid bone loss can be found, much to your likely laughter.  You won’t be laughing when you go to the grocery store and find that an ordinary block of cheese costs several weeks of your wages.  The money you save by not eating beef or dairy products will keep the weight off in a hurry, though.

Eat Local, Part Two:  Subtracting that meat and dairy products means that you will be free to try to the local food.  If you’re not allergic to tropical fruits like mango, you will be able to feast on a wide variety of very strange fruits year round.  If you are, then you should at least be able to enjoy some spicy Thai dishes.  When the people cooking you ask if you want it farang style, tell them ‘mai’ (no), and have them cook you up some excellent dishes like basil leaf chicken with a fried egg on top (or krapow gai kai dow), and you will be enjoying some tasty dishes that will likely also irritate your bowels if they are a bit sensitive to the spicy peppers.  Your intestines will not be thanking you for eating spicy food, but you will definitely be able to eat tasty foods and lose weight in a hurry.

Food Shortages:  Another way to keep the weight off that will not require any effort on your part is the food shortages that result from the annual floods.  All that rain has to go somewhere, and the odds are that at least some time during your time in Thailand that your local grocery stores will be running out of food because of floods in Bangkok.  Nothing says that you’re living in the safest place in the world like going to the local Tesco Mart and finding nothing but bottled water, cheap Chinese beer, and twenty varieties of ramen noodles to buy.  Try keeping the weight on when pondering what makes squid happy on the happy squid ramen noodle packages.  You’ll lose those pounds in a hurry.

Extreme Chiang Mai Diet:

If these tips are not extreme enough for you, here are some ways that you can really lose the weight:

Go To Prison:  Living in the safest place in the world has its problems, including a great amount of political instability and a corrupt military that periodically overthrows elected governments [2].  If you are the sort of person that can’t shut up and happens to read and write politically sensitive material, you could find yourself in prison for lese majeste [3], and in the three to eighteen years of hard living in Thai political prison that would result, you can trust that you will have lost a lot of weight.

Live like a Buddhist monk:  If you’re a Buddhist monk it’s not all about talking on your smart phone when going from monastery to monastery in your saffron robes or taking care of abandoned animals or giving people advice on what lottery numbers to pick.  Sometimes you want to lose that weight and gain a bit of merit points as well, and if you want to do that you’ll have to go vegetarian.  No more eating fish soup with those adorable fish eyes pleading at you, or eaten your weight in chicken every week desperately trying to keep the weight on.  No, go vegetarian and your weight will definitely plummet as you beg for plain rice balls every morning.

Become an agricultural laborer:  One of the qualities that makes areas safe to live in is the ease of growing your own crops, and if you’re willing to do a bit of exercise you can really lose the weight by becoming an agricultural laborer.  Does your patron/boss have a few rai of land that he needs to turn into a productive farm?  If so, then you just may be in luck, weeding, planting rice and other crops, taking advantage of the tropical climate to work year round on the fields in the often burning sun.  If you want to burn those calories you can take advantage of growing all kinds of crops, from rice to cabbage to corn to various types of peppers.  You’ll thank me when your back starts to hurt and your scrawny water buffalo working with you starts looking appetizing.

If you eat like this for a year or more, you’ll lose that excess body weight, or I’ll give you your money back, in bhat of course!

[1] See, for example:

https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2018/01/17/the-chaing-mai-diet-part-one/

[2] See, for example:

https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2012/06/24/today-in-history-on-june-24-1932-the-thai-military-developed-an-unfortunate-coup-addiction/

https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2012/05/30/springtime-for-neo-nazis-in-thailand/

https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2013/08/17/theres-no-such-thing-as-a-good-coup/

[3] See, for example:

https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2013/12/11/stay-standing/

https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2011/08/13/lese-majeste/

About nathanalbright

I'm a person with diverse interests who loves to read. If you want to know something about me, just ask.
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One Response to The Chiang Mai Diet: Part Two

  1. Pingback: Book Review: Chickens: Their Natural And Unnatural Histories | Edge Induced Cohesion

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