Portland Anonymous: Fragment Twenty

This is breaking news.  We have reports of a small plane crash just outside of the Fort Lonesome Airport that crashed just after takeoff.  We will have news when it is available.

***

Early reports say that the singer who went by the name #N/A was one of the passengers in a small plane that crashed immediately after takeoff in Central Florida.  Sources say that the plane was on its way to Nashville when it crashed.  Further information will be provided.

***

Fans are holding vigil outside of the home of singer/songwriter #N/A today after news that he has perished in a plane crash.  Investigators are looking over the wreckage to see if the problem was some kind of mechanical failure or whether something else was involved.  Eyewitnesses report that the plane seemed to burst into flames just as it left the ground, and it is unclear what would have caused this to happen.  #N/A came to fame thanks to his song “Beside Me” before having an acrimonious split from his label and having to depart Portland due to political problems.  We will continue to report on this as more information is available.

***

We have confirmed that #N/A was one of the five passengers and crew who perished immediately after taking off on their way to Nashville, where he was supposed to conduct some business, including signing up for a tour to support an upcoming album.  He was thirty eight years old.

***

I think it’s clear that amateur flying is dangerous.

There is no evidence that he was flying the plane.

I think that when investigations are completed there will be evidence that he was responsible for the mishap in some fashion.  Planes don’t just catch fire right after they takeoff unless something is wrong.

There are reports that the plane was hit by some sort of projectile that caused it to catch fire.

That would be ridiculous.  Who would fire on a passenger plane?

I’m sure we will find out more details as investigations continue.

***

There have been people who have been a bit quick to jump to conclusions but we felt this particular accident, like any fatality related to travel in the air, deserved a full investigation.  We still have some things to investigate, but from evidence we have gathered so far from the wreck we can confirm that there were no mechanical problems internal to the plane or pilot error that caused this particular accident.  The plane had been kept up on all of its required maintenance and was in good working order.  Likewise, the person piloting the plane was a skilled pilot of small planes, and the entertainer known as #N/A was not involved at all in the flying of the plane when it crashed.  We have been able to determine that some sort of projectile hit the plane at a high speed and managed to rupture the gas tank of the plane, and that caused the plane to catch fire immediately after taking off, with no chance of response by the pilot or anyone else before the plane crashed, killing everyone aboard.  We are trying to figure out who was responsible for the projectile at this time and cooperation with local police forces is ongoing as we try to solve this mystery.

***

Is it true that on the morning in question you were firing your potato gun?

I object to it being referred to as a potato gun.

And why do you object to it?

Because my attorney has let me know that persuant to Florida Statute 790.161 that the possession and discharging of a potato gun is illegal.

That is correct, it is a felony, in fact.

But my implement is not intended for use as a weapon, and it is technically a tuber relocator and not a potato gun.

The key question here is, were you firing your tuber relocator on the morning in question?

Yes, I was.

Were you firing in the direction of the airstrip known as Fort Lonesome Airport?

Yes, I was.

Were you aware that one of your shots hit a small plane and caused it to crash?

Excuse me?

Were you aware that your firing of a potato gun caused a fatal plane wreck?

[There is brief silence in the video.]

I don’t think that could happen.

When you fire shots from this homemade bazooka of yours, how far do the potatoes go?

Sometimes they can go a long way.

Do you know how far they can go?

Sometimes they go out of my line of sight and I can’t see where they land.

From where you live, can you see the airstrip?

Yes, I can regularly see small planes taking off and landing.

So the airport is within range of your potato bazooka?

I object to it being called a bazooka, as that makes it sound like a weapon.

Answer the question:  is the airport within range of your device?

Yes, it is.

And if we test the force from this device, will it be able to case damage to a small plane?

Probably.

Have you ever fired it against something?

Yes, I have used this device for target practice before.

And it caused a great deal of damage?

Yes, it has caused a fair amount of damage to siding that I tested it against.

So you believe that this could bring down a plane?

It would require some horrible luck for this device to hit a plane, though.  I certainly wouldn’t have been aiming at it.

Are you aware of any other neighbors having this sort of device?

Not that I am aware of.

Are you aware that the nature of the damage on the plane showed that the plane was hit from a direction that includes your property?

Oh no.

At this moment I need to inform you that you are under arrest for the death of five people in a plane crash.  I suspect you and your lawyer have a lot of talking to do.

***

Thanks to our contacts with the Hillsborough County Sheriff’s Department, a suspect has been put into custody for firing a homemade potato gun of unusual size and power that they believe brought down the plane by using very large potatoes.  We expect that these developments will be of interest to our company in avoiding lawsuits over mechanical defects.  To be sure, the person who fired the potato gun is in a world of trouble right now, probably lawyered up and dealing with the thrills of being in jail, but at the very least our own defense against lawsuits by representatives of the deceased will be greatly aided by the knowledge that our plane was not to blame.  Likewise, the fact that the pilot nor the airport were to blame either should help, although the airstrip may want in the future to greater protect its airspace from homemade projectiles of this kind, as this might make the physical security of airports a more important manner than has been judged to be the case.  Thankfully such regulation is not part of our problem.

***

Of course we value the security of the people who fly out of our airfields.  Do you think that we want planes to fall out of the sky because they have been fired upon by neighbors?  Clearly we will work on protecting the airfield from such problems through improving our fencing, and I expect there to be greater regulations and enforcement of what kind of weapons are to be allowed near fields like ours, but this was a fluke accident and it was not something that we would have been able to predict, and so it’s not something we can bear responsibility for in a legal perspective.  No one would want a talented writer and musician like #N/A to die, but it was a fluke occurrence, a tragedy even, but not due to any mistakes on our part.

***

We have reached a plea bargain in the case of the gentleman whose potato gun brought down the flight that killed #N/A and four other people that had just taken off from the Fort Lonesome Airport on its way to Nashville, Tennessee.  The accused has pled guilty to five counts of involuntary manslaughter and one count of owning and discharging an illegal firearm, with a one year suspended sentence and five years probation.  We understand that others are likely to be upset about this particular event, but we believe that justice has been served in not condemning someone to unreasonable punishment because a famous person died.

[You can hear the boos in the video from the people watching the press conference.]

 

About nathanalbright

I'm a person with diverse interests who loves to read. If you want to know something about me, just ask.
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