This morning I had a meeting at work which went very happily for me but whose contents I was absolutely forbidden to discuss with anyone who was not involved in the meeting because of the larger implications involved on some of the people I am working with. For those who know me at all, I am not a person who finds silence easy to maintain, but I managed to avoid telling anyone who had not been told by others about what I would be doing, when, and what would be happening to others. For a variety of reasons I have some severe difficulties with secrecy and am not well suited to being involved in any sort of conspiratorial efforts. Fortunately in my life, few people have thought me suitable for such matters which have saved me a lot of trouble that I would normally find myself in because of being a bit of a blabbermouth .
One of the difficulties I have with silence is a tendency to need to express thoughts in an external fashion in order to deal with them. Being an extremely anxious person by nurture, I tend to be rather full of concerns and thoughts and filled with a very compulsive need to talk and write about them in order to keep the sort of peace and tranquility in my life that I particularly value. When I cannot discuss matters in specific with some sort of resolution I tend to spin the wheels of my mind and try to deal with larger issues and concerns that are related to the specific concerns that I am not free to write about. This may not be the most ideal response, but it is the most natural one.
Other reasons for my difficulties with silence are more complicated and difficult. For example, for me in many cases silence is associated with shame, and my desire to avoid being part of a conspiracy of silence but to stand out vocally against the evils that I and others have suffered tends to lead me to be rather open about matters that others might wish me to be silent about because they are uncomfortable to talk about for many. Also, I am fond of the open sharing of useful and important information to anyone who needs to know or would benefit from knowing from that information, and that general bias towards openness tends to make me very suspicious towards silence because of my thought that it is usually malign and boding ill. Given my compulsive desires to understand others and be understood, that can be a major concern for me in my relationships with others, and can make silence very unfriendly and threatening in many circumstances.
Fortunately, in this case the silence I was asked to keep is only for a short time, so it should not try my patience to too large of a degree. The silence is tactical in nature, and even though I’m not very fond of it, I can see its use for a short time in this particular case. This is not always the way I think about such matters, though. Such matters must often be judged on a case by case basis, with the effects taken into consideration as well as the length of time that comparative silence is expected. When it comes to me, the shorter the time silence is expected, the better. Some secrets simply cannot be kept for very long, and some people simply cannot keep secrets well .