Some years ago, there was a popular love song on the radio in the United States (and possibly other parts of the world) called “No Air,” a duet between American Idol-winner Jordin Sparks and up-and-coming R&B star Chris Brown that sang about a co-dependent relationship where neither of them feels as if they can breathe unless the other person was there. If one does not pay too much attention to the lyrics, the song is itself pleasant enough, the artists certainly appealing in their way, and the experience of the romance portrayed in the song is probably played out in a great deal of relationships between immensely insecure people.

The song itself took on added layers of irony when, a couple years later, Chris Brown ended up in trouble in trial court as well as the court of public opinion for his attempted strangulation of his then girlfriend Rihanna. After that incident became news, the song “No Air” took on rather added and more tragic meaning. What may have seemed to be an innocent and even superficially pleasant song about a co-dependent relationship betrayed a deeper proclivity toward violence toward loved ones. In the case of Chris Brown, a perceived inability to breathe without a loved one led him to literally attempt to keep an angry partner mad over his cheating from breathing. Since then the song has always struck me as rather dark and foreboding in light of that later story.

The point of mentioning the song or the story is not to distance myself from the challenge that it poses, but rather to deal with it squarely. There is a constant tension in any relationship to wonder about the amount of space both people in the relationship need. Being too close may be smothering and is often a sign of insecurity about losing someone if you let them have their own space at all. Being too distant may indicate a fear of intimacy and a lack of trust, or ability to really share your feelings with someone else. All too many of us oscillate between silence and violence, between no air and too much distance in our relationships, not merely with loved ones but in our professional lives and friendships as well [1]. Maintaining that balance is tricky, and I do not pretend to be an expert in how to do it. All I can say in my favor is that I struggle with the problem every day of my life, and I hope I struggle with it bravely and honestly.

Like Chris Brown, I have learned some painful and valuable things about myself in the course of my relationships. I come from a family with abusive tendencies, and in one relationship from about a decade ago that vividly remains in my mind, a combination of inexperience and insecurity on both sides led to attempts of emotional manipulation on the side of a partner, and to a tendency to physical violence on my own part. As someone who has always striven to treat others (especially young ladies) with respect, the incident (a shoving match) reminded me that old family patterns die very hard even in someone who makes a ferocious and active effort to fight them. I was forced to face the fact that I could not take my gentlemanly nature for granted, but that I would have to greater master my fierce temper, and wrestle with my insecurities in a better fashion. I hope the experience made me a better man. It certainly gave me a lot to reflect on.

The sort of young woman who tends to strike my own interest generally has to combine sort of serious intellectual interest along with a musical or artistic nature as well as a tendency toward being affectionate and compassionate as a person. I have high standards of personal integrity, and I greatly appreciate those who are highly skilled in some creative and/or intellectual way, but also people of a sweetness and innocence at the same time. These tendencies of mine are fairly stable, having existed since I was pretty young, and I am of the opinion that they are basically healthy tendencies, in the rare occasions where I have been able to court someone.

Speaking in general, if we are attracted (both in a friendship/business way as well as an in a romantic way) to people of competence, that has certain implications. One of those implications is that such people can and will have lives and interests outside of the relationship. This should be a good thing, as it means that there is growth and vibrancy that keeps the relationship dynamic and alive. But it requires a certain sense of security to be able to handle this. We have to trust in the other person’s loyalty and character, and they have to trust in ours. We have to be confident that in the time we spend apart that other people will not be insulting us to third parties, or betray us in other ways. And they will have to be confident in the same thing if we are to remain in any kind of relationship. We must therefore be trustworthy and find trustworthy people, something that is not an easy task, as it requires both character and discernment for ourselves and others, qualities that are in short supply in this corrupt world.

How to show the proper degree of interest in others and what they do while giving them some space at the same time, some aspect of their life that is outside of you, is a difficult task particularly because of its deeply moral nature. As human beings, our institutions (churches and business and governments) seem unwilling to give their citizens, members, and employees private space. Demands on time and effort and commitment seem far disproportionate to the loyalty and service given by those institutions to those from whom they expect so much for so little reward. Our families and other relationships are much the same way. I find people to be more interesting and attractive because they have interests or competencies that I do not, because it allows me to gain insights and appreciation for those things that I cannot do well myself, while I can spend my own efforts doing what I do better. Dependency is bad, but a healthy sense of interdependency, where everyone spends most of their time doing their God-given tasks with their God-given talents while wrestling with their own struggles to be godly and mature people is something I wish were more visible.

The nature of the problem is one of idolatry. Demanding that we be the center of another person’s existence, whether we are a lover, a friend, a family member, an employer, a minister, or a political leader, is an act of idolatry. Only God can be the center of our lives without immense silence and violence and the difficulties that result from having false gods. Those difficulties are legion, including the insecurity of leaders that their followers don’t really “need” them, while feeling the need for adulation, money, and power from those same followers who cannot be trusted because of their potential independence. Likewise, those people in co-dependent relationships feel as if the demands placed upon them are wearisome but necessary to avoid massive violence and ugly scenes that one does not relish or enjoy.

Likewise, relationships that are too distant are not proper either. Here the problem is not idolatry in someone else, but an inability to form a godly community. The result of this pseudocommunity are often a superficial friendliness that is completely lacking in genuine emotional or intellectual content, where there is no sharing of one’s self and one’s passions and wisdom with others, simply a basic level of interaction that is strictly polite but lacking in depth or intimacy. Such pseudorelationships are not in any way nourishing to our spirits or our hearts, because they do not amount to a genuine sharing of that which is deepest and most interesting about us, our very selves and experiences and perspectives. When we do not feel safe with sharing, all we are left with is empty ritual and superficial relationships with others, and no one feels loved in such an environment. Too much empty space is as suffocating as no air at all.

And so when we deal with the problems of relationships, we are driven back to the difficult questions of love and respect, seeking to know how others think and feel about us, even as we are interested in them because of their own goodness and their own qualities that exist outside of ourselves that they have developed themselves. We struggle to show our feelings even as we struggle to know theirs, to appreciate the time we spend with them while understanding that we cannot make anyone else the center of our existence other than God without extreme suffering. When our longings and feelings get in the way, it is hard to keep up such a delicate balance, but at least the labor is worthwhile in reminding us of the seriousness of the tasks involved in our relationships with others, be they blood relationships, friendships, business partnerships, or romantic relationships. And we are reminded that working out those relationships with other people in a godly fashion is essential to gaining a true understanding of God’s workings with us. It may not be easy, but it is better either than living in constant terror of others leaving or behaving violently or living isolated and alone in a barren desert without love and intimacy at all. Neither of those places is pleasant to live, take it from me.

[1] https://edgeinducedcohesion.wordpress.com/2011/07/11/book-review-crucial-conversations/