Among my smallest friends are a group of somewhat bossy and clingy but adorably rascally children, who express what they want by saying things like “Uppy, huggy” or “Put me down” in very emphatic and sometimes fierce ways. There is a saying that is all too true that we spend the first year or so of a child’s life praising them for speaking and walking and then spend the rest of childhood telling them to sit down and shut up. Even for those of us who are no longer children in terms of our calendar age, it is a long time after we learn to communicate and express ourselves before we learn how to do so to the satisfaction of those around us, or of those who we write about, if we ever do. Yet we are often beings who are compelled to communicate in some fashion, whether through what we say, what we write, or in our silence and in the activities we undertake to rid ourselves of what is inside us that we do not feel comfortable in communicating directly or explicitly.

I find it puzzling that despite the fact that since childhood I have written in ways that are deeply evocative and expressive, that I never once considered studying writing or communication as a profession. There are many people who share my interests and passions who go into creative writing or some sort of therapeutic studies, or who study journalism or communication, but although I have long enjoyed studying these subjects for very practical purposes, and though I have viewed my compulsive writing and general ways of communication as a way of achieving that elusive sense of interior homeostasis and balance, I never deliberately have sought to use that which I find necessary for my own survival and well-being and health as a profession. Perhaps for someone like myself who tries to keep emotional matters at arm’s length, perhaps those areas are too close to the heart to feel comfortable around on such a continual basis, which has meant that I have tended to spend my professional life dealing in areas of engineering and applied mathematics, in technical fields where knowledge can be acquired or instructed to others, and not in those areas that are necessary to live well but too uncomfortable to do for a living.

Yet, even so, speaking out is necessary for existence. Just as a geyser or some other kind of vent allows for the heat and pressure of the magma under the earth’s surface to escape in ways that are not destructive, but when blocked create magma domes that end up as volcanic eruptions, so we as human beings live in a world that fills us with things that we must get out. Our strength to hold things in can only last so long before we are destroyed from the inside out, or before our restraint slips and others, usually the innocent, are the victims of our rage at the wounds we have suffered at the hands of evildoers. And so, if we are wise, we will find some way for us to express what is inside of us in a way that does no harm to others or ourselves. Some people choose to play video games and vicariously enjoy fictitious violence. Others seek to create art, to express in some sort of medium what is felt inside without doing to others what has been done to us. At times these solutions may upset and disturb others, who do not want to know what is inside us and may find our creation and our escape mechanisms bothersome or even repellant, yet as we do not live in a perfect world, we always face the question of what are the best options available given the circumstances that we are presented with. Sometimes there are no good options, only ones that are better than anything else at that time and place.

And it is more than this. There are some of us who simply do not process and solve our problems well inside of our heads. Admittedly, it is probably better to think before one speaks (or writes) and to look before one leaps, but some people are compelled to express themselves so that they can work on what is inside, for it is only by looking at something from the outside that they can deal with it at all. Of course, the downside of this is that when things are on the outside they are visible to others, and therefore exist in a form that can be used against us by those who lack charity and understanding and compassion. Yet at the same time once something is expressed, it becomes put in a way where the resources and support of others can be called upon to help solve the problem. Perhaps a problem exists that we do not know how to resolve on our own, but once it is expressed, and others know of the problem, action can be taken to help with that difficulty that would not have been taken without knowledge that there was a problem that can use our resources or expertise. So it is often in life. Do we have the optimism and hope that our expression of concerns and difficulties will lead to solutions, or is our lack of trust and faith in others such that we expect only silence or criticism or abuse for speaking up? With each choice, we approach these decisions either with the burden from the bad faith of past experiences, or with the resources of hope and optimism from times when that faith was rewarded with blessings. And whether we speak or remain silent, we face the repercussions or reap the benefits that follow from those choices, for we cannot escape the responsibility for how we use the means of communication that we have been given.