For some bizarre reason, in the course of my wandering today, the song “Shark Attack” by Grouplove played, a song I must admit I am fond of. It fit well with the shark-themed Puerto Vallarta t-shirt I wore to volleyball practice as well, and the chorus of that song goes as follows:

“And I am what I am, a natural disaster.
Pick me up at three, send me off to sea,
And maybe I’ll come back for you.
See, I lost my clothes, I’m skinny-dipping,
And I can’t understand what I’m after [1].”

Not all of the lyrics of this song apply to me. For example, I have never gone skinny-dipping, though it is on my bucket list, it should be said. I should post that one time, as it would be greatly amusing, but also a bit sad when one looks at what I would like to do that I have never gotten around to doing, largely because I have lacked the right company and the right opportunities for those things to be done. I suppose that is all that needs to be said.

Where this song does apply, rather pointedly, is the fact that I am a natural disaster and that I can’t understand what I’m after. Seldom does a day demonstrate this more clearly than today. It was a long day, full of social interaction, and that is what made it so rich for overanalysis, especially when one considers the circumstances of that company and how it ended up. The day started out a bit disastrously, as I fell asleep while on the computer, did not get great sleep, and then managed to have terrible traffic and end up missing the first part of today’s Bible Study, which led me to stand outside the main hall to listen to it at the security post, which made my feet a bit sore on a day where I knew they would be tested pretty mightily in volleyball. Then came some conversation, including dealing with some very loud and demanding small children whose clinginess with me greatly amused the people who were around me.

The first part of the day was heavily dominated by music. There was a sound check, some hymns where I played my viola as I customarily do, and after some announcements was a choir performance. Here, of interest, was the way in which someone in particular seemed to want to manipulate themselves around me. I’m not sure why that was the case, but it was noticed by myself and others. I’m not sure what it means, for even when this person moves out of their accustomed spot, it is to end up right behind me instead of right in front of me, not that this helps my own concern. Both at sports and with the singing and eating, this person seemed to deliberately want to be right behind me, which is where I find it least safe for this person to be. As is often the case, I don’t know how to explain this, or the reasons for it. It is clear, though, that I don’t understand what I’m after. Perhaps I’m not alone in the problem. After services there were more practices where again I was placed in an interesting position, as we practiced our presentation for next Sabbath, which involves a lot of on my part.

After that, and after a wonderful dinner, I went to our congregation’s open gym night, where I spent most of the night refereeing, and some of it playing, in a group that was hand-picked by the person in charge and of interesting composition. After the practice, and helping take down, a large group of us went to find food. We first went to the Wendy’s and then the Burger King nearby, and both were closed. Then, a series of calls and conversations among the participants sent a large group of us to a Shari’s near the Vancouver Mall. Once there, we were organized by one of the parents in a mostly chronological age fashion, which left me with parents on my blind side and older teenagers to my right. The positioning of all of us was interesting in context, and led to a lot of fascinating conversations as I spoke with all around me, as we examined the frustration of young women whose chief ambitions were to be a wife and mother, but who also wanted to find themselves and seek education and not be pressured into either marriage or education in a timing and manner not of their choosing. Then there was the case of a young woman, beautiful but somewhat diffident, whose best friends did not know who to best encourage her to show interest in. I had little help to give; she is someone in need of encouragement, even more than most, but I am certainly not competent at all in matters of the heart, nor able to successfully pursue my own interests and my own well-being in any great way in terms of love and relationships, although I certainly wish well to the whole lot of young people I spent so much time with.

The efforts to go out with the group of teens and young people and their parents brought a few matters forcefully to my mind. For one, I do greatly enjoy the company of these people, even if my life is somewhat more stressful as a result. And, given their efforts in communicating with me about the change of plans, it appears that many of them enjoy my own company as well, despite the stresses it brings to them. The conversation was witty, but more than that it was serious and genuine, about our anxieties and concerns, and what we seek out of life. I was reminded that I did the same thing when I was a teenager, using my newfound mobility to seek friendly company, even late at night at 24-hour diners, even at the risk of trouble. I’m not so different as a man approaching middle age than I was as a teen. I have the same deep longings for friendly company, the same unfulfilled longings for love and family. All of my running and all of my efforts have changed my life in fundamental ways, but the core remains the same, and with the joy of friendship and company, there remains a sense of deep sadness as well. I simply don’t understand how to obtain what I’m after, and it appears that many people share this difficulty.

[1] http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/grouplove/sharkattack.html