So, as I alluded to in my previous entry [1], today was a day of some very unpleasant drama. As can be the case on occasion, this is a deeply unpleasant matter. Considering I have the worst luck in the world about this sort of matter, sometimes I feel it necessary to reflect upon circumstance as well as my own culpability in such matters, to see where things go wrong and what happens. Considering how much the drama seemed focused on a small set of people, I ponder often if my life could use a slightly larger circle of friends and acquaintances and a slightly lower quotient of concentrated drama that only makes my life fraught with too much unpleasantness. I’m sure that others feel the same way, including some of the other people involved in all of this.

Today at church we had a choir performance. Every once in a while this proves to be at least somewhat stressful because of a variety of matters. Sometimes I don’t feel as if I have prepared well enough or know a piece well enough. Sometimes I feel that the group as a whole is not cohesive enough and it is a struggle to keep everything in balance. Sometimes, as was the case today, it can be stressful standing around certain people, because one is concerned about what is going on with them, or the way that other people will view it. In the case of today, I stood next to someone who ran her hands through her hair and nervously played with her top, but who smiled a lot and happily as well. It was hard to tell if she was nervous because she was uncomfortable, or whether she was enjoying herself, or what. It is a bit frustrating sometimes to recognize and be observant to how someone is acting but not to know the meaning or significance of such action, to know whether it is a good thing or a bad thing, to know whether one’s presence is feared or wanted and appreciated. In the absence of communication it is hard to make such matters clear.

After church, the drama happened to deepen. I had been trying to work with this particular young lady and another couple of people as part of a vocal trio, but she seemed to want to back out of the project and I did not wish to force her to do something that would make her feel uncomfortable, even though she is an immensely talented singer. Instead of giving me the music herself, she gave it to a male relative to give to me, and he did so politely and quickly. Having been taken a bit off guard, the next time I happened to see him I thanked him for being a gentleman, even though I was disappointed that she did not wish to perform with me, nor did she wish to give me the music herself. Again, I was unsure if her disinclination to give me the music herself was a sign of her own disappointment or her own dislike of dealing with matters directly herself. It is hard to know how someone feels about a given situation and what it means.

If that was not enough, I kept on getting asked by the young lady’s mother if I was going to be at volleyball practice tonight, and I was, and so I told her. While the family went home to eat, I happened to go out to eat with a couple of other friends of mine, and when I drove to practice after eating, by very bad luck I ended up behind that same family, whose vehicle I recognized by the detailing on the vehicle. Worse, I normally take a particular route (because I’m not very knowledgeable about how to get around in the town we practice in), and the family decided to take a different route, and so thinking they might now something I don’t know, I followed them. And then they went down a dead end road to see if I was following them after I had realized they were going the wrong way intentionally and had turned a different way. I hope they realize that I wasn’t trying to do anything aggressive but simply had the worst possible luck. At least since I go home a different way there was no choice of being around them on the way home from practice.

I am rather at a loss about what to do about this situation. I mean, I have known for some time that this particular situation is one full of a lot of concerns and dangers, but for a variety of reasons (namely the fact that we are both involved in so many of the same activities) there is really no way to avoid being somewhat close to her and interacting with her on a friendly level. I don’t have any sort of hostility towards her or any desire to harm or embarrass her, but all the same I feel as if it is impossible for me to avoid causing offense in such a situation like this. As a gentleman, I am concerned that any kind of friendliness or attentiveness would be misinterpreted as one kind of threat (as being predatory), and that any sort of distance or reserve would be thought of as a threat of a different kind (of coldness and anger). In such occasions, which happen more often than I would like, I do not know of any particular way to behave in such a matter as avoids making my life complicated and unpleasant. I have prayed and fasted over such situations for about a year and a half, and I continually find myself wrestling with such difficulties and concerns, as well as seeking to steer my own conduct in a way that preserves the comfort of others while demonstrating myself to be a friendly and quirky but honorable gentleman. To say that this is not an easy task is a massive understatement.

[1] https://edgeinducedcohesion.wordpress.com/2014/01/19/pop-goes-the-weasel/