Today while on my way back from Spokesman’s Club, one of the other people in the vehicle (who happens to be a neighbor of mine, at least for now, as I will be moving somewhat soon) commented that at least I had something to offer a young lady with my job and education, as he felt that he had nothing to offer a young lady and had no experience in courting or dating. Now, by no stretch of the imagination could I be considered someone who has been particularly successful at this part of my life in such matters, but compared to my acquaintance, I certainly do have some experience as opposed to none. Honestly, singlehood for far too many of us is a difficult chore, especially if we are men or women of an age where we expected to have found our better halves already and still have to go it alone.

I sought to reassure my neighbor, who is a decent and godly man, a hardworker of a serious turn of mind, and also someone with what is labeled as high-functioning autism, that his decency of character was something to offer the right young woman as she would know what she was getting into. Certainly, my neighbor will probably never be a wealthy man, nor would it be reasonable to expect him to get advanced degreees, but a decent young woman who appreciated his honesty and sincerity and decency would find much to appreciate so long as they appreciated his straightforwardness and integrity. I don’t know if my encouragement worked, considering I have been single now for more than six years, but at the very least I wanted him to know (whatever negativity he felt) that he did have something to offer simply by being a decent and upright and friendly person.

There are times, such as with my neighbor (a young man I have had the chance to get to know a little bit during my time here in Portland, whether at church or at Spokesman’s club or at dinner or at sporting events, as he is very interested in basketball), when someone needs encouragement about what they have to offer in a relationship given the discouragement of long periods of loneliness. It can be easy for people to feel depressed when they have struggles with finances and jobs, as a great deal of the self-respect a man has is tied to occupation and the honor we can from our positions and titles in companies and institutions. Having suffered a great deal of depression over the course of my life for material poverty, I know very well how difficult it is to see our own worth as great when our net worth is particularly troubled and when we face accusations about our character because of our lack of success by human standards.

There are other times, though, when people think far too highly of themselves and far too meanly of others. There is, for example, one woman who is an online acquaintance of mine who is always putting people down for being lazy freeloading bums, thinking herself to be someone special and showing hostility to any Christian obligation to care for those who are less well-off. Having been someone who has spent my entire life dealing with the effects of poverty and brokenness, I find her lack of charity to be deeply offensive to myself personally, and it requires a great deal of effort to restrain myself from dressing her down about the matter publicly, as I find her strident personality and total lack of empathy for others to be deeply offensive. Clearly, from reading her notes and comments, she has been hurt before, and it would appear as if her ferocity is a way of defending her own dignity, especially given the fact that she seems to be criticized for being single and childless, not that too many men would want to be with a woman who seems incapable of showing respect for others and who conflates net worth with one’s worth as a human being, which is a huge red flag for me personally (and probably many others).

I have commented elsewhere [1] about how the French mathematician (and revolutoinary politician) Laplace used mathematics to show that no one was without worth, and I do not wish to repeat myself here. Nevertheless, this generally applicable issue has a specific relevance when we are dealing with the subject of relationships (hopefully leading eventually to a happy marriage). We cannot control all of our circumstances, as we will all face trials and also prosperity, either of which can be a threat to a family. Some people care so much about providing for the material health of their family that they neglect spending time and developing the spiritual and emotional health of their relationships. Likewise, some people are so careless about financial matters that they bring a lot of stress to their loved ones through their incompetence or greed. Nevertheless, we do have control over our character, and so long as we come into a relationship with decency and integrity, with concern and empathy for others, the willingness to work on our weaknesses (especially in communication and sensitivity to others), we all have something to offer to the right partner. And if both people come into a relationship with loyalty and upright character and the commitment to do the best they can for everyone involved, then just about any storm can be weathered successfully. Obviously, that is a big assumption, though, given the frequency of broken families and broken relationships in our lives.

Wherever we are in life, there are times and situations where we all wonder what we have to offer to others. Those of us who are anxious by nature and prone to self-doubt often need the encouragement of others who can see us as we are even if we cannot see ourselves accurately. Sometimes it is necessary to correct a bit of arrogance, but more often I see that people need encouragement to help boost their confidence. Those who have poor health, little money, and few outlets for receiving honor and respect and love from others are particularly prone to such feelings of discouragement and worthlessness. Obviously, we may intellectually know that we are of great worth by virtue of being created in the image and likeness of God and for being of such value to God that He gave His only begotten Son, Jesus Christ, to pay the price of our sins so that we could have a relationship with Him. However, in times of despondency this truth is often not clearly understood when we face rejection from those around us. Hopefully we can all do what we can to find outlets for ourselves so that we can be of service to others, at the very least in providing encouragement and support to friends and family and loved ones. Hopefully we also can develop godly character so that we have something to offer in godly advice and decency, so that we can show ourselves worthy of trust in our relationships. We cannot control all aspects of our lives, but let us do what we can to develop those gifts that God has given and to show love and concern for others as best as we are able in whatever place or position we are given. In that way, whatever our credentials or our success by worldly standards, we will have something to offer both now and in the world to come, and hopefully we will be able to achieve our deepest longings in the process, God willing.

[1] https://edgeinducedcohesion.wordpress.com/2011/03/30/nobody-is-without-worth-an-examination-of-laplaces-tenth-principle/