I often find it ironic how often in life that one faces the same sort of issue in two ways, allowing for a more rich perspective on an issue if one chooses to ponder and muse over such issues. One of those issues is the problem of apologies, a subject I have blogged about in a context that is not too unlike what I wish to speak about today [1], and which I have blogged about in the context of giving an apology where one was warranted [2]. Without going into too much detail, I would like to examine the concept of apologies from two different perspectives as they have related to my life recently.

An apology, at least as I tend to think about it, is a response designed to smooth over hurt feelings after someone has caused offense. When I first blogged about apologies, I had been told to drop dead seventy times seven by a minister who had taken offense that I was applying his sermon to his then unethical conduct and pointing out how his practice was inconsistent with his preaching. People tend to take offense to that, and also tend to take offense to being told to drop dead, along with the further offenses that were caused when this fellow attempted to justify himself before making a half-hearted apology, in offense apologizing because I took it badly.

This is actually a fairly typical way that I tend to receive apologies. Personally, I do not find myself to be an unpredictable person. Within normal human tolerances, I am a fairly consistent person whose motives and agendas are relatively open and honest, and not generally hostile. I typically respond poorly to people who have problems being honest and sincere and open themselves, unless they struggle with shyness (a problem I have a lot of empathy for), and this response is fairly typical and predictable. Likewise, the fairly high levels of openness that I engage in tend to fairly predictably cause offense to those people who are much more private and who do not like their personal business shared with the whole world, something which is also entirely understandable. In most cases where there is offense, there is usually mutual offense.

Apologies in such a case are often entirely useless. Even where no offense is meant, the existence of starkly different worldviews is not really something that one can effectively apologize for. My personality is part and parcel with who I am, and it is pointless and insincere to apologize for existing or for being who I am. Apologizing for not being sensitive enough to others is also generally insincere, as most people (myself included) are generally pretty willing to specify what is and what is not acceptable behavior. Those who are not willing to follow the rules simply have to understand that minimum acceptable standards are not something one apologizes for failing to meet. They are simply the baseline of behavior that is acceptable and they need to perform up to standards if they wish for positive relations.

An alternative approach, and one that is less combative and fierce, is to examine what someone’s motives are. To the extent that we have faith in the good intentions and wishes of someone, we will simply not be offended by what happens. An offense that is not felt is not something where behavior needs to be improved or where an apology is even necessary. And, not surprisingly, this situation has been the case in my life recently as well. There is, for example, a person I chat with reasonably frequently online who is busy with school and someone whose internet connection often cuts out, and who like me can be distracted sometimes, will sometimes go a couple of days without a chat or may have to go offline quickly. No offense is taken by this, because I understand that these situations are not under her control, and I understand that her motives and feelings are good. Likewise, she does not take offense when I am unable to communicate online at work because I am working. In this case, no apology is meant because no offense is given on either side.

Personally, I prefer this second approach, but this approach requires a great deal of trust in someone else. I try to be proactive and avoid causing offense, and so I bring up my own concerns in the hope that other people will tell me I have nothing to worry about, because I tend to worry by nature without having accurate and reasonably complete information, which tends to prompt me to inform others openly (so that they do not worry either) as well as seek information for myself. If one recognizes that there is a situation of mistrust and suspicion, one has to do what is possible to remove the offenses that hinder the building or (more often) rebuilding of trust. Likewise, the proper response to offenses is repentance (which is a change in direction and behavior) rather than mere apologizing. Most of us, myself included, are quite aware that such change is difficult, but if you want to build relationships, you have to stop destroying the common ground one already shares, and start work on building common understanding and trust.

[1] https://edgeinducedcohesion.wordpress.com/2011/02/01/a-musing-on-apologies/

[2] https://edgeinducedcohesion.wordpress.com/2012/07/08/apology-notes/