How does one make another person feel safe and comfortable? I ask this question because I have been doing a great deal of soul searching on how to overcome the patterns of the past, and how our experiences shape our behavior with others. In many ways, this post is a continuation of a post I made yesterday about crying babies [1], only it deals with a slightly different angle of the same problem. How do we make people feel at ease when we not only desire the best for them, but also desire them to be candid with us, something that can only happen when both parties feel safe with the other.
This is a serious problem I wrestle with. While I’m generally a patient listener, I’m not the sort of person who is often thought of as very warm-hearted, generous, or loving. The fact that I’m a pretty tough-minded person (especially with myself, but also with others) tends to intimidate others and keep them from seeing the genuinely loving side of my personality that is present if not exactly very obvious. For people to be candid, they need to be safe; otherwise they build walls and keep their distance from others, preserving an illusion of friendliness that is a sterile and lonely ersatz version of genuine friendship. Then again, genuine friendship is hard for some of us. Anyone, for example, who wants to be a genuine friend of mine has to put up with a fair amount of sarcasm as well as a lot of sharing of very heavy matters that cannot be escaped if someone is deeply involved in my life. And I’m far from alone in that problem.
In large part safety seems to depend on a few qualities. One of those is the confidence that things will go no further. No one is going to want to confide in someone who lets the whole world know their business, and betrayed trust is hard to win back, and sometimes impossible if the person hurt does not give second chances (and many people do not, except on a very superficial level). This is why my blog mainly talks about my personal issues, because if I tell the world I’m less bothered when other people inevitably talk about my business, because some stories are too juicy for most people to ignore. I figure that because people are going to talk about me anyway I may as well tell my own stories myself. But if you choose a fairly open life for yourself, you has to be very careful not to be too open about the lives of others, because other people have the right to choose when and how to tell their own secrets and their own stories. And we have to respect that, even if our own approach is quite different than theirs.
It is also necessary for people to know that others will be tender with their feelings and respectful of their thoughts. This is not always an easy quality to maintain in our relationships, and I speak as someone who definitely struggles with this. Showing respect for others means showing respect for their own right to their opinions, and it ought to moderate our sarcasm or disdain even for that which we disagree with. Sometimes we must simply just hold our tongues (this is extremely difficult for me to do) and to let people learn the hard way if it is an area where they simply will not listen to wise advice. Love sometimes means letting people choose what they are comfortable with. Hopefully they’re comfortable with you.
This is a subject that I will probably talk about a great deal in the future, as I work out matters in my own life, and I beg the patience of my reading audience while I write out such matters. Whether or not anything comes of it, I cannot say at this point, and would not wish to speculate on matters. But having spent much of my blog dealing with matters of the mind, I hope beg for indulgence in dealing sometimes with matters of the heart. And I not only beg indulgence for myself, but for those with whom my heart is connected.
[1] https://edgeinducedcohesion.wordpress.com/2012/06/30/making-babies-cry/
Edge Induced Cohesion 
This is a tough one for many people because for the most part many people are really insecure about how others percieve them and some don’t give a hoot about what others think of them. As you know with my own research I believe we are a race of absurd beings which means that first we are kind of silly and second we are paradoxical as this shows us as unpredictable. As children we are taught to be proper and we are encouraged to act in accordance with due respect for others. The systems of man are “rigid” systems and we know that all things rigid will eventually break. As you also are aware of the fact that the worldview of many is a mechanistic view, people are not machines and we need to be fluid in our thoughts and feelings as much as we need to be fluid in our movements. As I have always maintained the first “problem” with humankind is that we have been from the beginning fighting against our true nature. Our educational systems and our religious systems have always taught that we are “animals” and that we must change into something else. Well, what have we managed so far to “change” into? A race of suspicious, apprehensive, selfish and greedy people with everyone secretly fighting for the top without a care or a concern for the next person. We are without a doubt a race of actors who have a collection od masks that we chose to put on when the time cals for it.
We cannot expect people to “be themselves” when we have no clue as to what sort of being a human is and to merely state that we “animals” is ridiculous as we are much much more than animals. We may be at times animalistic but this might be that we are frustrated because “societal dictates” prevents us from being our unique selves.
It is entierly safe to say that we humans as a whole are still in our infancy and ignorant of what truly produces life. It is not what anyone thinks or says about us that kills, it is when they attack us physically, and as long as there is no-one physically attacking us we are free to move about.
People will always talk about others and until we can appreciate there are other opinions even about us, we will remain in our own personal prison in our mind, which is separate from the body.
To attempt to answer your question “How does one make another person feel safe and comfortable?”. Realize that you are an absurd sentient being of essence and inference and that there truly is none too perfect, educate yourself on what this means and let go of your intellect and embrace your sense of humor (the absurd). We cannot free others if we are ourselves are not free. What makes people uncomfortable is existing in a rigid state and this rigidity is what prevents us from being our true selves.
In your own case Nathan I would have to say that you have not yet truly accepted or forgiven all that has happened to you in your life and you are not yet free nor are you fluid. Babies are more sensative and reactive to a rigid personality type than are adults. We always know when something is bothering a person and and an adult can ignore it or dismiss it where a sensative being such as a baby cannot. Some adults are also very sensative and it is them who become uncomfrotable to another persons personal problems. The point is that we keep our problems “personal”, not that we should be telling everyone we meet about our problems but that we should accept, embrace for a time and then let go by forgiveness by the fact that we are not perfect. That is until we can accept that we absurd sentient beings of essence and inference that is. The end of the story or message in scripture is that eventually everything works out for the best when we can let go of our intellect (carnalaity) and trust that God works out all things for them who………. For to be carnally minded is death, but to be spiritually minded is life and peace.” Romans 8:5-6
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Your statement is somewhat contradictory. I’m aware that I’m an absurd sort of person, that I’m certainly not as logical and rational as I would like to be in some moments, and that I’m almost as deeply compassionate as I am intellectual. And that was my point. I don’t think that we can blame all of the problems of the world on the systems of this world. True, the systems of this world are often enforced rather rigidly, but that is because insecure people are rigid in their thinking–even when we try to be fluid and flexible we end up making rigid and dogmatic statements, like your statement about “giving up the intellect.” Intellect and carnality are not generally the same or even close. Our carnality is based in our lusts and urges, our animalistic nature, while our intellect is often the gateway to the far more insidious sins of pride and arrogance that cut us off from fellow feeling with other people.
In short, I think you rather misunderstood the whole point, which was an examination of how to be flexible and loving and compassionate with fellow people on this earth while needing others to model that same compassion toward us. And that does not require a giving up of the gifts of the intellect which God has given me, but rather the development of other gifts that make that intellect more human and more loving.
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I did not mean to say that one should give up completely their intellect but rather at some times a person must rely on honest heartfelt and sincere emotion. Your openning question was ,”How does one make another person feel safe and comfortable?. I said that to make another person feel comfortable we must first be comfortable within ourselves, and one cannot be truly comfortable unless one has accepted certain realities as unchangeable and therefore must be given over to God. This way we can say that we have truly forgiven all. When we can forgive sincerely, we do not appear rigid to others, babies especially.
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That is certainly the truth. We do have to show a human touch. I must say that while I feel deeply by nature, to show my human side takes considerable effort, and I’m not yet comfortable in it. But with time and practice perhaps I will be more comfortable someday.
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Thank you for understanding, I was not attacking you but the issue. Not everything has to make sense or add up, and some thing just cannot be explained. Forgive me but I cannot help but to believe that a “spiritual” person has ability to permit all things to “pass through” without having much negative affect. This to me is a person living in the true spirit of forgiveness. MGB. 🙂
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I think there is a reason for everything, ultimately, but I also understand that not all puzzles are to be solved by man, not all mysteries understood. And some mysteries, even if they can be understood, are not worth understanding for our own sanity. I do not think that we ought to consider ourselves as being stoic, because if we let nothing trouble us, we would not have any growth. It is the things which prick us and trouble us that lead us to grow in grace and knowledge and obedience. It is only if we were entirely perfect that we would get to the point where nothing would or should trouble us. I do not see that happening to us any time soon.
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We are what we believe we are and faith heals all things. Where you like to say that we are “commanded” by God, I see it as direct language to see clearly the two extremes of all things and to use reason and rationale (intellect) to make the right choice (free will). I do not think of myself as “perfect” although I am comfortable to recognise the maturity in being ready and willing to forgive. As a researcher one might say that I have discovered something that I cannot deny and that is, during that act of sincere forgiveness, our body reacts and rewards us with physical and emotional health. As a believer, I had faith that it makes sense and therefore must be true so I reasoned and by free will made the choice to set myself even further to be determined to live in a “pre-forgiveness” state. My physical and emotional health is proof that this is indeed true. I know that many can find much to argue about a person existing in a pre-forgiveness state but until one tries it one will never know. The proof for me was also the detoxification. I can not deny the imperical evidence of what happened, and if I did try to deny it this would be absolute insanity and rejecting what God has predetermined for all of us who believe.
The people of this world are the poverty and it is in the state of apprehension, suspicion, selfishness and greed that this poverty is sustained. I do not advocate that people let go entierly of intellect but to use it as God intended it to assist us in strengthening our faith and not to attempt to understand the great mysteries that are beyond our comprehension as thisd is futile.
Recognizing futility and knowing when to stop is true intellect, being human is to accept that we are indeed absurd, when a person can see this as true then we are set free from negative affect thus we have natural ability to make adults and babies feel comfortable.
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The same truth can, and should, be expressed in many different ways, for God has fashioned many tongues, but every tongue shall confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, and every knee shall bow in obedience to Him. I am not bothered when others speak the same truth in different language, or in different ways, so long as it is the same truth.
And indeed, it is a wise thing not to persist in futility, but sometimes even tasks that are futile in themselves are worthwhile in other aspects. After all, in the words of Qoholet, the son of David, everything that is under the sun is futility (or vanity) because it passes away and does not last. And yet we must labor even if we are the grass that rises in a day to be consumed by the fire. At least we ought to live as bravely and as well as we can in the meantime. I’m not sure if this sort of thought would make anyone feel comfortable, though.
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Too bad for them.
I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. Gal. 2:20
If I were to think that i have suffered more than Christ I would be dillusional. My suffering and my pain are temporary and all things pass, however all things pass quicker where there is sincere forgiveness, again nothing is pain or suffering when in the pre-forgiveness state. Point being a simple one and it is that when we can truly forgive we can live in a comfortable state and again this is how we can make others feel comfortable. We are truly sense beings and when the intellect reigns supreme we are restricted and limited as we “try” to make others feel comfortable this is futility. Let things be as they are in truth and we can realize equilibrium thus we give out “good vibrations” ( Beach boys) 🙂
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I take issue with your use of the word pre-forgiveness to describe the peace you feel post-forgiveness. After all, to live in a pre-forgiveness state is to live in a state of vice, where one’s ease and pleasure comes from not being aware of God’s ways or the ways in which our actions fall short of the divine standard. That is not a state that any of us ought to want to remain in, because the consequences are judgment. Before we can find that comfort again we must reach the stage of virtue, through the valley of the shadow of death, where we can find peace with God because His righteousness is living within us. There is nothing pre-forgiveness about that state whatsoever, though.
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What I mean by pre-forgiveness is that I am ready willing and able to forgive as we are “commanded” to do by scripture to forgive seventy times seven. What do you think I mean by it?
Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. Col 3:13
Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.
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I understand what you mean, but you didn’t explain it the first time. You are expressing your willingness to forgive others, which is very important and beneficial. When I hear the word pre-forgiveness, I tend to hear within it some sort of concept of being in the state before repentance with God. Obviously, that is a vastly different connotation than what you meant.
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I just figured that I cannot possibly keep track of 490 offences so I might as well exist in a pre-forgivenes state to begin with and I found that in this state of well-being is where I experience emotional and physical health while making others comfortable. I suppose also that people do not sense that I am a judge.
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I don’t think it’s really worthwhile to try to keep track of 490 offenses. We all have enough of our own burdens to work out ourselves that holding on to the burdens we have because of the words or actions of others is not very worthwhile. There is no sense in poisoning our own well-being because we have too good a memory in what others have done against us.
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Ditto, God forgave me and now I forgive others so now with that in mind, anyone can go out and not make babies cry. 🙂
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Hahahaha!
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I assume that you approve?
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Yes, I approve, and I found that pretty amusing. Easier said than done, but certainly easy to approve.
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What cannot be explained by intellect makes perfect sense to the spirit. Spirit is another word for pure sense or essence. Intellect tells us that it is hard to do but the spirit cannot deny that it is indeed true.
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I think you construe intellect too narrowly to refer to the natural facilities of reason possessed by people, as opposed to the mental facilities in general (including the enhanced understanding given by the spirit). But definitions are slippery matters anyway; as long as we know what we mean and we know what others mean, there are often no real disagreements, just a different form of semantics. When there are genuine worldview differences, then conversations become much trickier and less pleasant.
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Yes, semantics, it is the essence of a man that can only be infered by the one who is spiritually inclined. Anything less than this is not human but true animal instinct bent on sole survival. As I keep pounding away to no avail that we are absurd which is that we have great humor and compassion if we decide to nurture this, and we are paradoxical because we are unpredictable and this is what makes us unique, sentient if we decide to explore the more subtle nuances of them around us, of essence because we put out vibrations that others can “sense” , inference because we have a spirit that confirms and convicts.
Absurd sentient beings of essence and inference, we are not animals, we never started out as animals however, some do eventually turn out to become animals as they “miss the mark”. We do not need to change or morph into something else, we must recognize what we are in truth and where we came from to know where we are going.
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There is much wisdom in that. We did not rise from animals, but if we fail to cultivate those elements that cause us to rise above mere animals, we may become very brutal and animalistic in our behavior. This represents barbarity, though.
Even someone has habitual a person as I am has some surprises, and I’d like to think that makes all of us at least a bit more fascinating and worthwhile.
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Unique
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Indeed 🙂
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