Good intentions don’t count much with me. More than fifteen years ago a (former?) friend of mine and I invented a text-based political role-playing game named Secfenia. For several years we, along with other friends, played as characters in a small continent, imagining ourselves as rulers and leaders of political countries with varying personalities, working out wars and alliances, economic and educational endeavors, and the like. Then, after the game had died down, he and I wrote a series of short stories taken from an alternate dimension of the game called Secfenia Dark. I have previously revealed one story on this blog, “The Sons of Martha,” but I would like to talk at more length about it.
The setup of the stories is a world that is overcoming the corrupt rule of the Juanolians, after a successful rebellion has brought freedom to the backwater province of Secfenia (which stood for the Suncoast FreeNet, a defunct free text-only internet service provider in the Tampa area). The emperor (my “friend’s” character) is old, paranoid, and has endured great suffering as a prisoner, and he is basically a puppet monarch. The directrix (my character, the focus of many of my stories), is the one actually doing the work to prop up the kingdom, but in a background role, not wanting the attention. Through the course of the series of stories violence, rebellion, and the ambitions of the poor people kept shoved down threaten the stability of the empire. The series as a whole is not a pleasant read.
As it happened, around a couple of years ago this longtime friend of mine decided to make an online MMORPG out of this world that we had made. We worked together, spent long hours talking about the design and structure of the game, and he programmed happily for many hours. But somewhere along the line he seems to have forgotten that real friendships are more important than fake worlds, and that the power of being the lord and creator of a fake world corrupts those who have it much of the time. We had spent a long time criticizing the people who made the game Renaissance Kingdoms for their biases, for their unreliability, but he seems in turn, after his game has proven remarkably successful, to behave likewise in forgetting his covenants with others.
Where did it all go wrong? I’m not entirely sure, but I can guess. There were some genuine and deep financial problems that we had to deal with, instead of trying to work on how to phrase discussions, even difficult ones, with me, he decided to take a “businessman-like approach” of contracts and formality, an approach that does not work with me at all. I viewed his actions as treachery, and he has never apologized for the offense, but has continually added to it though rebuffing my own concern (for his somewhat delicate health) or my attempts to enjoy a good laugh, and by committing more acts of treachery.
At this stage, unless I see some contrition and some apologies, I’m ready to write the post-mortem. I don’t want to hear about good intentions; I don’t want to hear excuses; I want to see the fruits of repentance. My patience with treachery from those who claim to be deep and long-time friends is at an end. Some apologies from some of the other people involved who have helped make the situation worse would also be greatly appreciated. If so, perhaps there will be time enough to rebuild old worlds, and write new stories together. If not, this is where the story ends.
Edge Induced Cohesion 
“An offended friend is harder to win back than a fortified city. Arguments separate friends like a gate locked with bars” (Proverbs 18:19, NLT). “What you say can preserve life or destroy it; so you must accept the consequences of your words” (v. 21, GNB). “There are ‘friends’ who destroy each other, but a real friend sticks closer than a brother” (v. 24, NLT).
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That is very true, and though I did not quote those verses myself, they were certainly in the back of my mind. I am aware that I am a prickly person, but I would think someone who genuinely wished to be my friend would at least want to go about it the right way, and not deliberately cause offense, especially not when they have been warned. I suppose I may with fairness be considered in general to a walled city. Fortifications are the link between my own personal emotional state throughout my life, my interest in civil engineering, and my interest in military history.
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Directrix Natonito, together with governor Smith, are two of my favorite characters from the series… “The king [directrix; governor] is the friend of all who…speak with kindness” (Proverbs 22:11, CEV)… Otherwise, “The fruit of this tree will be pain and sorrow; the wise say that one who acts circumspectly has little to regret, that reason soothes anger…” (Legend of Seyavash, Persian Book of Kings)…
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You are indeed correct that the king is the friend of all those who speak with kindness, but kings are used to speaking bluntly and directly. Others too must remember that they are speaking with kings and that respect is necessary.
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I respectfully request that the author rephrase the fourth paragraph of this blog. I must state for the record that I never acted the part of “a good source of information and comfort [to the former friend] in how to deal” with him. Also, the characterization of the former friend’s reliance on me as “someone of glib words who thinks she knows me far better than she truly does, or at least has trouble effectively acting on what knowledge she has” is erroneous. Never have I been known as a “glib” person.. I was not the source of whatever information the former friend acted upon. I thank the author for his consideration of this request.
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Well said. I will respectfully consider the suggestion.
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I actually see what this “former” friend did, in regards to taking a “businessman-like approach of contracts and formality” as an effort to separate the friendship from the things that could harm it. By having separate relationships for business and friendship, should things go badly in the business relationship, as long as both people are level-headed and mature, the friendship could still prosper.
In your response to Ivan, you said “I would think someone who genuinely wished to be my friend would at least want to go about it the right way, and not deliberately cause offense”. I am curious as to how you know that this person was actually trying to cause you offense, or if this offense was all based on interpretation.
I do find it to be rather insightful that, it seems to me in my experience of you, you always expect others to make the first act of contrition/apology/respect/etc before you are willing to do the same. Instead of turning the other cheek, you seem apt to lash out and try to make them hurt as much as you were hurt. Instead of trying to see things from their perspective, you choose to see their actions from your own perspective.
I will say that I am sorry to see the friendship end especially when it has endured so much and lasted so long.
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Certainly that is how it would appear to you. Despite the fact that your perceptions are incorrect, you have the right to your own. I can understand how one would want to keep business and personal relationships separate at all, but when one profits off of the collaboration one has done with friends and still at the same time insists on keeping friends at a distance through business, one can hardly complain about others being upset about the change. Indeed, I have often made the first move with regards to such dissatisfied friends, only to find that they engage in projection–accusing me of what they are guilty of, showing themselves unable or unwilling to listen to me, and continually justifying themselves by self-serving lectures. But let us judge not lest we shall be judged.
I wish to stress the point that if someone insists on maintaining an arm’s length business relationship with a “friend” that they had better make sure that their own business relations with that friend were above board. For example, to insist on contracts for one type of obligation and being unwilling to pay for the rights to license that same person’s creations (like Bravia and it’s cities), or to license works of literature (the Secfenia Dark stories) that are used to promote one’s own games, is itself a hypocritical and deeply immoral game. I was willing to let him do so while he was my friend, not insisting on what was due to me, but my willingness to continue to do so depends on the extent that I am a better man than he is.
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Many years ago I had the following piece of advice, “Never go into business with a friend if you value your friendship. When things go wrong, as they will, it will kill the friendship and the business.”
Over the years I have observed this many times and experienced it a few. For me, every friendship was permanently ended or at best pushed into the “cordial” category. Every business venture was ended and although some continued on it was without both friends being involved. It didn’t matter if it was starting a business, hiring an employee, etc. Both the personal relationship and the business relationship ended. Why?
First reason is that it is far too strong a test to expect people (two or more) to value friendship over self-interest to the SAME DEGREE. To the degree each of us has carnal thinking and values is the extent we will have disagreement. If both agree to live righteously and have the same definition, there will be peace. If both agree to be dirty rotton scoundrals in the same way and to the same degree, then there can be a lack of hostility. When there isn’t agreement, let the war break forth!
The only solution to rule one is conversion. God and Chirst are in perfect harmony because they are in perfect agreement and yield to each other perfectly. We aren’t there yet.
The second reason is that even if you are willing to take the wrong, the party doing the wrong has to justify to themselves why they were “right” to do the error. Human nature does not want to admit it is evil, EVER Therefore, the last thing in the world they want to deal with is a constant reminder of their shady behavior, you! In order to get rid of the reminder, they have to attack you, drive you away, discredit you to others, etc. This is a painful process to live through but there is a great deal you can learn about yourself.
I do have one piece of advise. If there is an intent for something to generate money or a hobby is being converted into a business, write up a contract. If you don’t want to involve lawyers, then do it yourself. A simple book that asks simple questions is a great tool. Can you clearly answer questions such as who is going to run what part of the business, how income will be shared, how to disolve the business relationship if things go sour, etc? If not now when you are excited about the opportunity and in harmony, what will it be like when tempers and hurt feelings are running wild? It is wiser to do it first and not suffer from the consequences of not having done it.
Just one other note. This does not take a lawyer. A simple agreement, signed and dated by all parties participating can save much pain and suffering in the end. If you want to get fancy, have a notary public or justice of the peace put their seal on it. If things go well and revisions need to be made, it is just a simple as agreeing and documenting the agreement. If things go badly, then you have a starting point for withdrawing yourselves from the mess.
I am not one who likes formality and contracts but they do have their place.
As to the current mess, why would you continue participating in a process that causes you to be taken advantage of? If he continues to deal with “trechery”, why participate? If he wants to employ you, write a good contract that pays now and pays a lot more when the money comes in.
I have what once was a good friend. It has been decades. Occassionally I will see him in a store and we will say hi if I see him first. If not, he makes himself scarce. He was greedy. I learned a lot. The $50. was a very small price to pay.
Stay close to God
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That is excellent advice, Mr. Jacques, and certainly will be the case in the future. It goes under the “lessons learned” category. Unfortunately, this hobby was started when both of us were teenagers, and so there was really no business contracts. The business aspect of it only came in much, much later. By then it was probably too late.
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