In the early 1990’s, in the aftermath of an acrimonious breakup between its two founding creative members, the rump band under Andy McCluskey attempted to go on as a dance band for a few years, and in the first album after the breakup, McCluskey released the song “Was It Something I Said?” under the OMD moniker as an open letter of sorts to his estranged songwriting partner and former bandmate. The song drips with anger and hurt, as the singer-songwriter reflects on his imperfections and what could have driven his beloved friend away from him so much. While some bands remain divided for decades, the story of OMD has a much happier ending. Even before the band reunited in 2006, Paul Humphreys had started writing again with McCluskey, and since 2006 the band have performed together and recorded new albums, and even done joint interviews where they have talked about their thoughts on their music career and their enjoyment of recording and performing together as a reunified group.

Looking in retrospect, one thing that seems to have allowed the band to reunite was that even in the midst of their disagreements and plenty of hurtful things that were said by each other about the other, there was also a desire on the part of the bandmates to understand what they had done wrong. It is hard for people to live together, to work together, to create together. There are so many ways that people can become estranged from each other. People can feel taken for granted, taken advantage of. They can feel that others are not respecting their time, their contributions, and can feel used and abused by the disrespect and negativity and criticism of others that they are around. All too often we are sensitive to the slights we suffer from those around us and are entirely ignorant of the slights that we inflict on others in our failure to behave in a just and reciprocal manner with those around us. We can demand honor and respect and not give it. We can sit down and pontificate and bloviate while leaving others to stand, expecting them to take it and to enjoy it enough to seek out such mistreatment. We can fancy ourselves to be experts of what other people are doing wrong while not thinking or reflecting at all on what we are doing or saying wrong.

At least McCluskey had the humility to ask himself if it was indeed something that he had said to drive someone else away. He recognized that he had a big mouth and didn’t always use it correctly. It is a common affliction–one I certainly recognize in myself–and that kind of recognition also leads me to work to hinder it at times for the sake of being gracious and polite, at least imperfectly, even to those who do not return the favor. Recognizing that it was possible–maybe even likely–that he had driven away his friend and former bandmate with his poor communication skills gave OMD’s McCluskey the necessary motivation to work on himself and work to repair the broken relationship that existed between him and the person he was writing about, whose support and encouragement and friendship ultimately meant a lot to him. That work was rewarded by a second chance and a renewed friendship and collaboration where both parties were able to reflect on themselves, what had driven them apart, and allowed them to work together and reunite once again.

This is, of course, the dream of everyone who seeks and desires unity among people who have been estranged from each other. We look at the broken institutions in our lives and around us, and we wonder what could have been said and differently so that people could be restored to the good graces of others. Sometimes people bar the door short and do not allow others the chance for reconciliation and a restoration of fellowship and positive feelings. Still others are willing to allow for it, provided that there has been an honest effort at repentance and self-improvement. And even where it is impossible for old relationships in our lives to be renewed and restored once again because the hurt has been too great, to the extent that we have done the work to examine and work on ourselves, and to curb the tongue and our poor communication with others, we can at least live in the hope that our future relationships both now and in the world to come will be improved by our having cultivated graciousness and kindness towards others, rather than selfishness and rudeness that we call tough love to justify ourselves and alienate others. If we can all recognize that one catches more flies with honey than with vinegar, and if we all talk a good game about wanting to communicate openly and warmly with those around us, then we also ought to make our words as sweet as honey rather than as sour as vinegar. And let us have the humility to ask ourselves, when we are alienated or estranged from others, “Was it something I said?” Then, we can think to ourselves and reflect on how that has been the case, and to change accordingly.