I am generally amused, as well as slightly infuriated, whenever I receive any kind of message (whether it is implied or baldly stated) that points to the desirability of acting in a certain way to impress other people. I often think to myself something like this: “Is the way I behave normally not friendly enough or nice enough for strangers?” When it comes to impressing other people, my own strategies are limited both by my rather irrepressible personality as well as my own moral disdan for policies of deliberate concealment. At extreme difficulty, for short periods of time, I may practice rather intense restraint in order to avoid conflict, but generally speaking I find this unsatisfactory and will seek to actively avoid or equally actively counter those influences I deem as unfriendly to my interests or commitments. The best that may be hoped for from those who, even accidentally, make slighting or condemning comments to these interests and commitments is my silence (with the implied threat of there being something sarcastic written about it later). The worst case scenario is generally my rapier wit being used to the hilt. Most people really do not want that [1].

That said, the problem of company manners is a serious one, and like most ethical dilemmas, it is a case where there are a wide variety of concerns and a great deal of tension (or contradiction) in communication. Much depends on one’s moral worldview. Although I am personally (and strongly) of the belief that people should know who I am, and whether they like it or not they should recognize that my friendliness or conscientiousness is not designed to impress others or win their favor but rather is an aspect of who I am with everyone, not everyone is like that. Indeed, there is a substantial (possibly even a majority) belief that who we are must be actively tailored to different audiences, as if our whole personality and character may be harmful in our achievement of our purposes and that the achievement of these tactical aims is more important than our essential moral integrity and sincerity. To some extent, people may feel it necessarily to actively promote an outside character that is essentially opposite from what they really feel in order to get what they want out of a relationship or interaction.

This is generally an issue when it comes to such matters as customer service. We must never let our desire for honesty and integrity be an excuse for laziness or rudeness, but at the same time our conduct should reflect who we really are. At their core, the mercenarial and “corporate” adoption of a false face is an attempt to provide service to others in the absence of genuine love and concern. The development of virtue is a difficult process, but the needs of people for care far outstrip the amount of genuinely virtuous people, or even people who try very hard to be, that exist in this world. Additionally, virtue can be somewhat inconvenient, as there are many people (and companies) that desire the fruits of virtue when it comes to concern for detail and honesty but dislike the moral scruples that come along with virtue. Likewise, the desire of people for others to be nice to them at all times even when they are being completely unreasonable contradicts our general preference to be honest sinners rather than hypocritically nice, except when it comes to the way that others treat us. Of course, we often do not realize that tension because few people subject the complexities and contradictions of their character and behavior to any substantial degree or depth of analysis.

At times, these contrary lessons are taught from youth. On the one hand, authority figures may insist on honesty and desire transparency on the part of others. On the other hand, that transparency is decidedly unwanted when it comes to the embarrassing and guileless honesty that children are famous for. So, from at least school-age onward, we are taught both to affect an appearance of candor in our interactions with others while also to keep a wide gulf between the facade we present to the outside world and to the rather distinct interior world. This gulf, which on our better and more candid moments we may recognize as hypocritical, is kept up for several reasons. Some of these reasons are interior and some of them are exterior. We often want to appear our best and most competent to win approval or save ourselves from awkward and uncomfortable conversations [2]. Of similar importance is the fact that we desire to spare other people from trouble or discomfort as well. We may very well know that the discussion of certain truths will cause offense or pain to others, and we will wish to spare them from this suffering, even if it means living a double life to some extent. The greater the decline of virtue in a person or a society, the less willing people will be to keep up this effort at pretense, and eventually it will lead to a proliferation of anger and contempt from those who we have made a great effort to appease or mollify, even without their requests in the matter.

At its core, manners can be one of two things, depending on what kind of people we are. On the one hand, they can be the outward manifestation of our character, of our love and concern for other people and for their feelings and well-being. This is the sort of manners that requires self-discipline, and certainly restraint, but no active hypocrisy, since the manners themselves are deeply rooted in the sort of people we are. It may not always be difficult to act according to our principles in the face of temptations and provocations, but that which we are called to do is not always easy. On the other hand, manners may be a designing intention to give off an appearance of politeness in the absence of genuine interest or concern. It may be the putting on of a mask to show one face to someone that bears no resemblance to the reality within. Yet this sort of manners, as much as we may claim to hate it, is often preferred to honest disagreement with others. We may consent to being hypocritical players because the alternative is to set us free from our cherished illusions that are too tightly held to let go of easily.

There are even times where these two different views of manners may coincide. For example, one of the best tests of the character of others is known as the “waiter rule [3].” The assumption is that as waiters are the closest thing our contemporary society has to servants who we interact with on any regular basis. Therefore, by seeing the way that someone interacts with a waiter or waitress, we may see what kind of person they are, how demanding or unreasonable. On the contrary, we may mind that some people are immensely gracious and polite to others. I have often seen myself that going out to eat, especially at a frequent and regular location, tends to lead to the building of relationships of a kind with the staff. Some people have taken these further than me, given that I tend to be friendly but not as intimate as some people are. Yet here too there is the general expectation that waiters and waitresses, no matter how demanding a customer, will put on a happy face and serve cheerfully, even to the unlikeable. It is a shame that we ask so much of people who have to spend their working lives serving other people, and we value them so little for the difficulty of what we ask them to do (considering we do not often have the decency to restrain ourselves from anger or harshness towards those who have to interact with customers). If we truly valued decency and manners, surely we would reward it, rather than simply demand it.

[1] Even when my wit is somewhat restrained, it is still a bit sharp for the tastes of some. See, for example:

https://edgeinducedcohesion.wordpress.com/2014/05/25/white-rabbits-on-the-run/

https://edgeinducedcohesion.wordpress.com/2012/11/13/an-abuse-of-power/

[2] Few people relish, or even tolerate, a great deal of awkwardness in their lives. See, for example:

https://edgeinducedcohesion.wordpress.com/2012/11/16/embrace-the-awkwardness/

https://edgeinducedcohesion.wordpress.com/2012/07/06/the-journey-out-of-jankiness/

https://edgeinducedcohesion.wordpress.com/2011/05/20/sonnets-of-a-wounded-soul/

[3] See, for example:

https://edgeinducedcohesion.wordpress.com/2011/10/09/company-manners/

https://edgeinducedcohesion.wordpress.com/2012/11/11/you-are-what-you-eat/