One of the notable aspects of my personality is my desire to understand why life is the way it is. Whenever I see some precocious young lad of a few years of age (usually three or four or so), continually asking his harried parents why to just about every single event or statement going on around him, I think that I must have been like that little one myself once upon a time not too long ago. Sometimes, one finds the answers through analysis and introspection, sometimes the answers are revealed gradually and over time, and sometimes one hears or sees the experiences of others and gets at least some glimpse of the reasons why similar experiences have happened in one’s own life. Such was the case for me today, and I would like to discuss it, as I thought it was particularly enlightening to me.

Earlier today I heard a speech from an elder that I got to know a little bit during my time in Southern California, who is now a paid minister for my church, and whom I have run into a couple of times since returning to the United States last year. He gave a presentation about “walking on water” in which he told some experiences about a boss who had told him that he would never advance any higher in the church and certainly never be an ordained elder in the Church of God (which obviously was not the case). He then talked about a health crisis that combined with a financial crisis that also ended up including a nasty church crisis (about which I have written much on this blog), and how it ended up with him accepting the position of associate pastor in the West Coast. In listening to his opportunities come as a result of a crisis, I was reminded of the fact that I had been exiled from the lectern for five years in 2006, and it was only the crisis that led me to have the chance to speak at all to wounded and decimated congregations, mostly in South Florida. I hope it doesn’t take another crisis for me to be able to speak and write prolifically on behalf of my fellowship.

In listening to the story, I was also prompted to ponder some of the interconnections between the various and often lengthy trials I have dealt with over the past few years. In many ways, the trials have revolved around the interrelated problems of faith and trust. For a long time, I have known that I deeply struggled with trusting other people (especially people in authority). Given my experiences, this is not an entirely unreasonable problem to have, but it has been one that has caused a great deal of harm in many areas of life, by providing suspicion where none is necessarily warranted, and leading others to (quite equally naturally) be somewhat suspicious of me. What I have found, to a slight degree of shock, was that many people had just as difficult a time trusting me as I had trusting them, and that the mutual mistrust hindered honest and open communication that might have made matters easier. Simply being worthy of trust and respect is not a sure guarantee of being trusted and respected, especially if one is a wary and guarded and somewhat sarcastic sort of person.

Nevertheless, the sort of goals and plans I have for my life require a great deal of trust. For example, I would like to marry and have a family someday, and that is a task that would certainly require a great deal of trust, not only between my (future) spouse and myself, but also eventually with the children as they grow up and start to take on responsibilities and prepare for adulthood. This trust will not be blind trust, but it should at least be possible to attain a high level of trust even with the realization and understanding I have of the sort of betrayal that human beings are capable of. Likewise, the sort of career ambitions for myself will require me to be trusted and seen as loyal, and that means I will have to feel as if others are loyal to me also. This has not often been a very easy matter to deal with, either being seen as loyal because I’m a very questioning sort of person, or seeing others as loyal to me or to my best interests. Again, this is a question of faith and trust in others, for even if we know others to be as flawed and imperfect in their own ways as we are in ours, we should at least know that others have our back, and that is not something I have known or believed. To what extent my lack of faith that others will have my back has contributed to them not having my back is a hard matter to say. What came first, the roadkill or the armadillo?

It would appear that at key times within the past few years that I have been forced to walk on faith that things will work out right, and have found a great deal of warmth and support and generosity from friends (I hope I have given generosity of my time and affections and concern, even if I have lived in very straightened circumstances materially). If I have gained some level of trust in God, and some level of appreciation and faith in the fidelity of good friends, perhaps in time I may find a great deal of success in being accorded the same level of trust and faith for myself, in building stronger relationships and achieving greater success without the burden of having to be suspicious and guarded so much of the time. It is a difficult and delicate matter, though, and one that will no doubt take more time and practice.

As I pondered the relationship between faith and trust and our response to crises, including our willingness to stick our neck out and seek to serve God and others in profound ways based on the gifts and talents and abilities we have been given, I have reflected on the connection between our own lives and experiences as well as the environment around us. We are not so simple that we are simply who we are by nature without our experiences having no effect on us whatsoever, but neither are we entirely shaped by our surroundings and experiences, but rather we have some sort of core being of who we are that we seek to develop and that we seek to be rewarded and tested and to find growth and happiness for. Our communities, our families, our congregations, and our societies are only as strong as their weakest members, which suggest we all need to develop more love and concern for others even as we seek our own best interests, with all of the tension that implies.