This past Sabbath I heard a very intriguing and thought-provoking message that commented at some length on how we the historical passages of Kings and Chronicles in the Bible an area where we can have as deep or as shallow a conversation with God as we wish. We can get a quick and dirty description of whether a king was “good” or “bad” with a few gradations in the judgment if we want a shallow or superficial conversation about the religious state of Israel, or we can compare and contrast the two accounts and piece together other information (occasionally from prophetic books) if we want a picture of how the society at the time was as well as a more nuanced (if still fragmentary) appreciation of the rulers of Judah and Israel. Being the sort of person who often enjoys the deeper levels of communication, I found the message to be very thought provoking.

It is not only with the Bible but also with people that one faces the dilemma of communication. Given my own personality and temperament, either I tend to communicate very directly or very indirectly. I have found as a practical rule that indirect communications has tended to work the best with those with whom I have frequent and open direct communication, as that basis of communication allows for indirect communication to be seen as filling the gaps and as balancing out areas matters given my own bias towards the direct communication of certain matters and the aversion to direct communication of other matters. If one desires good communication of deep matters, it is necessary to build up trust and good relations on a more superficial level unless there is an immediate and powerful connection that is deeper than the surface.

Speaking for myself, though, I have found that it is often a very difficult matter to move to deeper levels of understanding of others, or to let them understand me deeper, because the area of trust is a matter of serious concern. I remember once knowing a local elder in a previous congregation (whose family I knew well also) who thought that I would be a fascinating person to know if he could ever know me beyond the surface level. And no doubt the same was true for him, but the circumstances were not there for a deeper understanding. It is not a thousand small interactions that lead to depth, but a few big interactions, whether they be long and heartfelt conversations online, or face-to-face conversations where one can see passion and humor over the course of a few hours. It is time, in somewhat long chunks of time, where good relationships are built, the kind that can support deep conversation about serious matters, because there is mutual trust and respect already established between two parties.

Without that trust, deep communication is impossible, since everything said or written will be interpreted through a lens that is hostile or suspicious, wary and guarded, which hinders the free and open flow of information and communication. Most of the time, we simply are not willing to open ourselves or to make us vulnerable around those whom we do not trust and who we think would use any knowledge of our vulnerabilities to hurt us. On the other hand, those whom we expose our vulnerabilities to, we tend to deeply trust, not least because for our own sake we have to believe that those whom we have opened ourselves to on a personal level are going to be principled and honorable about it and to treat us with kindness and consideration. This is not always the case, sadly, but all the same it is how we tend to operate, which means it is imperative that we choose wisely who we open up to.

It is striking that issues of communication often deal with matters of great importance to our lives. The deeper problem is how do we best ensure the most open and deep conversation given the resources that we possess. How do we take advantage of the time and circumstances available to us to preserve and deepen those relationships we wish to improve, while preserving those connections we wish to hold on to. Simply because we can have shallow relations with others does not mean we should be content with such a state, if we can do something about it. It simply remains to be seen the extent to which we can successfully manage the circumstances we face in order to develop the depth of trust and intimacy that we seek.