For somewhat understandable reasons, I think often about the problem of communication. Given that human beings are not mind readers (and it is probably for our own benefit that we are not, both because being aware of having people in our mind would be very frightening business, and because our lack of mind reading forces us to take the effort to communicate with others, which is a useful task), we have to accept that other people are not going to be able to understand exactly what is wrong. This can be both a good thing or a bad thing, depending on what we do about it. And, truth be told, we aren’t often good at dealing with it.

There are so many ways that communication can go wrong. For one, can simply fail to communicate. Generally speaking, we will hold others accountable for how we feel about a given person or situation whether other people know about it or can do anything about it or not. This isn’t fair or just, but life isn’t fair or just, and we just have to accept the way things are and make the best of them. However unjust it is to expect someone to know exactly what someone feels or thinks and why when that is not communicated honestly and openly, people will have that expectation and feel a bit harassed when others have that sort of unrealistic expectation. The way to deal with this sort of problem is simply to communicate. This does not mean communicate everything one thinks or feels all the time (not even I do that), but rather it means communicating what is important, even if it might lead to a disagreement, because one respects someone else more than one values an artificial and false peace. Eventually, with practice, one might be able to communicate thoughtfully and well.

Communication can also go wrong when the game of telephone is played. For those who are not aware, telephone is a children’s game where someone tells a message to someone else and then they repeat what they hear to someone else and so on. Eventually, the message at the end bears no remote relationship to what was told at the beginning. Historians have to deal with this problem as well, which is one reason why primary source documentation is so valuable, in that it cuts out several layers of interpretation that go along in dealing with facts or opinions. No matter how sincere or well-meaning others are, any link in a chain of communication between one person and another that is in the middle adds to the likelihood that mistaken ideas and thoughts will be transmitted, in that some aspects will be added, some will be removed, and the general balance will be shifted based upon our own hopes and fears and wishes rather than the true message that one is trying to communicate. The solution to this particular problem is simple–if one wants to understand, go to the source if that is possible.

Communication can go wrong for other reasons. I particularly empathize with those difficulties in communication that come from various tensions within the person who is trying to communicate. If we are afraid that something we want to communicate will not be taken well, we are not likely to try. If we are torn between a desire not to hurt someone and a fierce need to communicate something (for our own good), the resulting tensions are likely to lead to a contest between silence and violence, neither of which are ultimately beneficial to good relations and both of which cause a great deal of unnecessary suffering for ourselves and others. Quite honestly, life has enough trouble already without us adding to it by lashing out at others or ourselves. However satisfying it may be for us to unburden ourselves on someone else thoughtlessly, the resulting complications are always unpleasant. Even if someone is forgiving and understanding with us, we often feel guilty when we have behaved unjustly, and our pride gets in the way of making an apology for our own faults and share of the blame and in seeking to avoid repeating that mistake in the future.

I always find it a bit ironic when people tell me that I am a great communicator, because I feel as if I struggle very unsuccessfully with the problem of communication. If it were the matter of merely one or two people, I might laugh it off and ignore it, but it is far more common and far more troubling of a problem than that. The fact that there are consistent patterns of people wishing prolonged periods of silence with me (people I thought should be far closer than strangers) troubles me, and leads me to ponder what I am doing wrong. I would like to think I am a person who will generally give others a fair hearing as long as they can communicate with respect, and that I do not wish them harm, but all the same I find the trend a bit worrisome. Then again, people have felt the same thing about me, even when it is simply the business of life that has kept me from communicating as much as I might like. Once I know that someone thinks that they have caused offense to me, or is concerned about how I feel, I tend to be very quick to correct misunderstandings and explain as best as I am able what is going on. I just wish I felt the same in return.