Just like common sense is sadly a very uncommon thing, so is common ground. One of the more poignant lessons I have learned over the course of my life is that we are both more alike other people and more unlike them than we realize. And where we have common ground with people, it leads to other identifications that can be a bit frightening, and where we do not have common ground even simple and basic communication becomes a difficult and unpleasant challenge, as it frequently is in my world. Let us discuss a little bit, therefore, what sort of concerns give and deny people common ground.

I remember one conversation with a former Lahu student of mine with whom I had a very deep conversation one study hall when I taught in Thailand. We were talking about our own hopes and dreams and ambitions, and this fellow and I, who came from very different backgrounds around the world, nonetheless had the same sort of longings and desires, and a reasonably similar place from which we began (and a reasonably similar way–education–of bettering ourselves). Despite serious differences in our background, we were able to identify with each other because we had essential shared knowledge and perspective. We both came from poor and obscure backgrounds, we both had ambitions for a better life, for marriage, to acquire knowledge and to follow God’s ways as best as possible. We recognized, in other words, that we came from a similar place and were desiring to go to a similar place. I did not feel competitive about this, though I suppose some people would see others of like mind and ambitions as rivals, but it allowed me to recognize substantial common ground and a common barrier (lack of opportunity) to our shared goals and ambitions.

But while a shared background and shared goals lead to better understanding, a lack of shared background or shared ambitions often lead to miscommunication. For example, while I desire a better life, I care far more about the relationships and security of a better life than I care about the possessions of things and stuff (aside from books and music, there are very few things and stuff I like to acquire anyway). I have known people who were totally wrapped up in the acquisition of wealth and material possessions, not merely for the sake of those possessions, but for the way in which they thought it would make them more desirable to others or would make their children love them. This has always deeply bothered me, for even if I have always been rather awkward about expressing my love and respect for others, I have always desired my feelings to be recognized, rather than to be loved merely for mercenarial reasons, which I find deeply offensive. A difference in perspective and worldview tends to lead to alienation and a lack of understanding and sympathy for where one is coming from and going.

Often what leads to difficulties is not the reality of shared or not shared common ground, but the expectation of what should exist. If we expect much and find a little, we are likely to be upset and disappointed, and if we expect nothing and find some, we are likely to be deeply surprised. How to manage expectations of what sort of common ground in perspective and worldview is a tricky matter. There are basic matters of worldview that I find of the most important. Also helpful to me are shared backgrounds and personalities–and I find that these are the areas where I have the most unnecessary conflicts in my own life, because I find that each personality and background tends to provide useful insight into different facets of life, and that there can be a lot of tensions that result when different people have very different strengths and weaknesses, and very different insights and blind spots. It is my belief that we should use these differences as a complement rather than as a source of conflict, we must recognize such differences exist because of our different role and place and not let them divide us unnecessarily.

I remember not too long ago that a friend of mine on Facebook, whom I do not think I have ever met in person, commented rather disparagingly on allies. I can certainly understand for myself the desirability of allies against a common foe from a tactical or strategic standpoint, but I would not treat them as friends, and I would give them a fair bit of emotional distance (which is, at any rate, somewhat easy for me to do). For someone to be a genuine friend, there has to be an agreement about fundamental areas of ethics and character. This need not be a total congruence of opinions or interests (which I consider unlikely to find at any rate), but rather a shared commitment to the same ideals and the same standards of behavior. Where such common ground can be found there is no concern for mere alliances, but there is a genuine way in which we walk together with others and can genuinely build close and lasting friendships and appreciate both our similarities and our differences, our unity in diversity, so that we can have the uncommon ground of genuine respect as well as appreciation for differences that do not need to be a subject of disagreement or discontent.