I spend a lot of time engaged in and thinking about conflict. I studied military history not because I’m a very militaristic person, but because conflict is such a fascinating and omnipresent aspect of my existence. And I will own up to being a combative person–though I scarcely think it could be otherwise. But I see the same problems I struggle with in relationships present in other people, with rather tragic results, so being the sort of person I am I like to take the raw materials of my experiences and try to draw some sort of deeper meaning and cosmic truths out of them. And that is true with temporary aspects of life like conflict and war as much as those other, better, areas of life that I hope are more eternal and enduring.

That said, one of the deeper problems with our conflicts is a facet of our lives (it is certainly present within my own life) that leads us to prefer being right to being right with others. Where this is present relationships are going to suffer. Of course, there are equally serious problems if we have only the desire to be right with others and not the desire to be right, which leads us to be a human doormat, which is unacceptable also. So, since both extremes lead to problems–either because we are so desiring of being right that we either end up with doormats that cannot stand up to us or have endless ruptures in our relationships because of all the severe conflict and drama caused by our self-assertiveness, then any solutions must include both the desire to be right and to be right with others in a dynamic equilibrium and in their proper proportion. As usual, balance and proportion are difficult to possess.

Clearly, there can be no hard and fast rules about the proper proportion of self-assertive defense of the truth as well as love for others and a desire to be at peace with them. Different situations will require different proportions, and there is a sense of wisdom and art that must be in play as well that is impossible to predetermine and that must be acquired through difficult and painful practice. That said, we can at least sketch some outlines about what parts of these two qualities can and should dwell in harmony within our approach and our relationships with others so that we might have fewer unnecessary conflicts and better relations in general while retaining mutual respect and the highest regard for truth and justice and equity.

The purpose of our desire to be right is to maintain the highest standards of justice and fairness and equity and impartiality in our relationships. Ideally, we can be recognized as a fair and a just judge by acquiring a reputation for being honorable and fair in our dealings, rather than merely cold-blooded and cerebral. This is a difficult task, but we have to communicate and genuinely show that our desire to be right is not a selfish desire to be seen as perfect, but is instead a genuine desire to be right, even if this requires change, admission of error, and other humbling realities of life as imperfect human beings. Again, if our desire is to improve and continually grow in grace and knowledge, then our desire to be right will be focused on becoming a better person and not merely being seen as an infallible authority about anything.

On the other hand, our desire to be right with others should be in the proper place of showing love and concern and kindness toward other beings and desiring to be at peace with them as long as they are willing to be at peace with us. We should love even our enemies, but that can require defeating them when they attack us. But regardless of whether others recognize our love and concern for them or not, we should feel it anyway, and do our best to show it in ways that can be understood by those we care about. Often this may require deep communication about unpleasant matters that need to be addressed. But talking about difficult truths is easier if there is a mutual recognition of love and respect. Where that is missing, no conflict can be resolved peacefully.

Why do we go over the same ground over and over again? Respect and love underlie any positive relationships we can have with others. There is no peace or genuine fellowship where these qualities are lacking. So why is it so hard for us to show love and respect for others? Why don’t we show these qualities in our families, in our congregations, in our communities, in our workplaces, or in our societies? Why do some people only desire to have elites respected while others dislike the idea of respect at all because it is too much work to people who are not worthy of such things. But neither are we worthy of love or respect if we do not show it to others. We are worthy by what we give to others, not what we take from others. We are worthy for how we serve and love others not by the offices and positions we hold. Over and over again, we see the fruits of hatred and exploitation and disrespect and dishonor in broken homes, unethical conduct among businesses and politicians and leaders of other institutions, a lack of brotherly love and concern in communities and churches, or societies that are faced with the threat of civil war or tyrannical brutality from insecure and corrupt rulers.

And so we need both love and respect underlying our conduct. We must be both just and fair in our dealings as well as compassionate and merciful, rather than unjust and partial, favoring people of certain groups for selfish benefit or political partisanship. It is hard to be a just person and a loving person in this world, but we are called to be both, an even more difficult balance. This balance is made easier if we recognize that it requires attention to both truth as well as love, to both fair standards as well as merciful forgiveness. We are not balanced beings as a general rule, but in such times balance is all the more precious because it is such a challenge. We ought to take up the challenge and show ourselves worthy of the difficult times we find ourselves in.