In every broken relationship I have been in or seen there has been shared responsibility and blame on both sides. No matter how evil we may think our evil exes or family members, there is always some small responsibility we have on our sides that mitigates the blame on the other side. The most common aspect of shared blame that I have seen is the expectations we have for others, that others have for us, and the lack of communication on all sides of these expectations and minimum acceptable standards. It is hard to change one’s standards after having tolerated things for so long–and certainly easy to understand how that change will prompt increased hostility from those whose behavior is no longer acceptable. Likewise, we cannot assume that others are mind readers and able to divine the real truth beneath our nagging, nor is it often the case that our expectations of others are fair in light of what they expect them to put up with in ourselves.

As human beings we all tend to have limitless capacity for self-justification and blaming others. We also tend to unreasonably think that the solution to our problems tends to lie in changing the people we are with and around, when our deepest and most intractable problems are within ourselves. If someone has a pattern of broken relationships and marriages, it’s fairly safe to say that there is something within them that prevents them from giving a fair chance to others, or from recognizing their own blame and responsibility in their problems. I know, looking at myself, that I’m a fairly combative person when it comes to arguments, and I know from my observations and reading that most people tend to alternate between passive hostility and open confrontation, neither of which are ultimately productive or beneficial in resolving problems.

Often when it comes to conflicts in relationships we have to choose between being right and being right with someone. Often this is present as a conflict between truth and love. In our disagreements with others, though, a wide and broad concern for truth ought to include admission of our own failures to communicate, especially when we seek to change the ground rules of a relationship. This sort of admission takes the sting, or at least the self-serving hypocrisy, from being a strong defender of truth. If one is honest about one’s own shortcomings, while remaining firm in judging by truth and evidence, one takes away a lot of the ground others have in being self-serving and painting themselves as victims and others as the villains. They may still try to do so, but they have no warrant to do so except to expose themselves as unethical, and who wants to do that?

Instead of trying to pit truth and love against each other, we ought to seek for both. We ought to seek for truth knowing that no good relationship is based on pretense or falsehood, but rather on mutual recognition of the reality of life and relationships and mutually agreed expectations of each other’s behavior. Likewise, love helps preserve the relationship and provide a larger context to view inevitable misunderstandings. Without both love and a shared commitment to truth (and a willingness to admit and struggle with unpleasant truths about ourselves) our relationships will not endure. In this day and age both truth and love are lacking in most of our relationships. We claim to want the truth, but that only means (in practice) telling all of the bad things that others do, and excusing or justifying away all of the things we do. And we claim to want love, but what we want is for someone else to perfectly accept us for what we are while we engage in pygmalion projects to change them to better suit our wants. We cannot expect any relationship to endure under those fraudulent circumstances, and yet that is the way we engage in our romantic relationships, friendships, business partnerships, and congregations.

If we understood ourselves better, on both strengths and weaknesses, without either being unduly proud of ourselves or insecure, we would be better at recognizing the likely points of conflict we have with others. And then we could decide if we prefer to preserve the relationship and worth with or through whatever issues exist or cut and run. In this day and age a lot of people cut and run because they lack knowledge of their own contribution to their broken relationships, and because they have unrealistic expectations of perfection in other people while not being particularly intrigued with improving their own behavior or mindset or approach. We cannot be complacent with ourselves and demanding on others, blind to our faults while we are unsparing about the faults of others, if we desire to preserve our relationships with others.

Sadly, it seems as if we lack the interest in preserving relationships these days. We seem not to have any interest in coming to terms with others, in deciding and acting on what we can accept, and seeing what others are willing to accept from us. We are a generation that makes great demands on others, but few on ourselves, and that can only end badly. And so it does. We expect that a good relationship will save us from all sorts of problems and troubles instead of giving us some kind of support system when troubles and trials inevitably happen. And all too often we long for support from others but are not willing or able to provide others with support and encouragement. And if times remain tough or get tougher, we will need to give and receive all the support we can. Let us not forget that.