I would like to take as my starting point for discussion the following text from noted Civil War historian Richard Hofstadter on the subject of comity: “Comity exists in a society to the degree that those enlisted in its contending interests have a basic minimal regard for each other: one party or interest seeks the defeat of an opposing interest on matters of policy, but at the same time seeks to avoid crushing the opposition, denying the legitimacy of its existence or its values, or inflicting upon it extreme and gratuitous humiliations beyond the substance of the gains that are being sought. The basic humanity of the opposition is not forgotten; civility is not abandoned; the sense that a community life must be carried on after the acerbic issues of the moment have been fought over and won is seldom very far out of mind; an awareness that the opposition will someday be the government is always present. The reality and value of comity can best be appreciated when we contemplate a society in which it is almost completely lacking.”

Comity is an unfamiliar word in the English language, but it expresses treatment that we all want for ourselves. None of us want to be humiliated, none of us want to be crushed, to see the legitimacy of our existence or our values to be denied. We all want our basic humanity to be cherished by friends and respected by our enemies. We all want to be treated with civility. Yet at the same time other people do not always treat us with comity nor do we treat others with comity, necessarily, despite the fact that we all want to be treated in such a fashion. Where we are willing to treat people with respect but choose not to treat those who disrespect us with disrespect, it is hard to blame people for seeking to behave justly, even if that requires some harsh justice sometimes.

The underlying issue, though, is the problem of retaliation. We may feel that we treat others kinder than they deserve while they simultaneously believe the same about their treatment of us. At the same time, we can view others as having treated us gratuitously harshly when they feel the same way about us. This dynamic, where both sides fail to meet the rules of honorable conduct in conflict according to the different standards that others have, encourages a high degree of retaliation that tends to lead to a race to the bottom where even extermination is not off the table in terms of our dealing with others, where we and they will both deem each other to be savages unworthy of any comity, any respect, or any mercy whatsoever. We can see this when we look back at history, where there are wide cultural gaps between two parties in conflict. We can also see this in civil conflicts, where our anger and fear at hostility close to home are at their highest. We can see it in the conflicts where what one side considers themselves to be brave patriots while the other side considers them to be terrorists operating outside of the bounds of common decency and respect, and thus unworthy of protection of life or property or freedom.

As human beings, our ideals and our interests are often in conflict. It is in the interests of the strong to limit the scope of wars so that they are safe from asymmetrical warfare practiced by those who are weak in conventional strength. Similarly, it is in the interests of those who are seeking to be respected by others to behave according to civilized norms, not least to encourage other people to use those norms when engaged in conflict. Yet while we tend to seek to enforce standards that benefit us, we are often unaware of the way that our circumstances could change, and that which might suit us when we are small and weak will probably not suit us as well when we are strong. A nation like Mexico might bully illegal immigrants coming to it from poorer countries in Central and South America, but might resent any poor treatment being inflicted on its own illegal immigrants in the United States, and hypocrisy is rife in human dealings. If we show the face of a bully to those smaller and weaker than us but show the face of the rebel to those who are stronger than us or in authority over us, how are we to avoid the just label of a hypocrite for our double dealing? How do we live so that others may be encouraged to give us the respect we seek, while not leaving ourselves too open to the murderous and vehement rage that comes when our own expectations of how we should be treated are dashed by the failure of others to live up to our standards in their behavior towards us.