Every once in a while one listens to a song and has a striking realization that the song applies to what one is dealing with in life. This happens to me often, both because I listen to a lot of music and also because I try to find meaning in the songs I listen to. One of these songs happens to be the new single from Vance Joy, called “Mess Is Mine.” As the song deals with a problem I have seen in a variety of circumstances, I thought it would be worthwhile at least to point out an area of contact between a variety of situations. As might be expected, I get involved in a fair amount of “messes” in life, and I do my best to learn from them and also to understand the patterns that show up over and over again, even if my character choices mean I find myself involved in them anyway.

When we develop any kind of relationship with someone, even friendship, we become a party to the messes of their lives. Some lives are very messy, like mine, and extremely complicated, but even the best of lives carries with it some complications. One of the many factors we have to address when we entangle ourselves with the affairs of others is the sort of difficulties they bring with them. I must admit that being someone whose life has been full of trauma and difficulty, I tend to have a great deal of compassion for those who have dealt with the same problems I have, problems like abuse, loneliness, bullying, fatherlessness, broken families, grinding poverty, and the people I am involved with often struggle with a very similar set of difficulties. I am aware this makes matters more complicated, but as someone who wishes to be close to me is going to have to face the facts that my messes will become theirs, so too I am very compassionate on others in knowing that their messes will become mine. Not everyone is so self-aware, or counts the costs of involvement with those who are around us.

Yet if we become involved in the messes of others by getting close to them, we are not responsible for their messes, and they are not responsible for ours. When I came to the Portland area, I was already in my early 30’s, and came with an existing background, existing vulnerabilities, existing struggles, none of which were the fault of anyone I was now around. The reverse was also true, as the people who became my new friends had their own struggles and difficulties going on before I knew them, and my arrival simply put me in an existing context that I had no role in creating. There is more to this, though, in that the messes or curses of our lives are often generational in nature, and not only are we not responsible for the messes of those who are around us, but they are far more serious than can be solved easily, and much of the time we must simply try to deal with the repercussions of life without any expectation of solutions, as much as we might want to fix those around us.

What we are responsible for is acting in a responsible and godly matter towards others. We are to act in ways that encourage them, do not try to remove from them their free will, and avoid taking advantage of them. These are tricky matters that are difficult to accomplish, and especially so in an atmosphere of mistrust and skepticism, both our own and theirs. Such difficulties would be much easier to manage in an atmosphere of open and honest and respectful communication, but these tend to be among the first victims of mistrust and difficulty, making it more difficult for anything to be resolved and overcome. Yet we must do our best to keep the lines of communication open to the extent that we want to keep messes minimized, even if we are not good enough at dealing with problems to avoid their spread entirely.

So, with the greatest amount of goodwill possible, we have to look at our obligations as Christians and the regard and compassion we have for others, and we have to decide what kind of people we are. Is it worth acquiring a lot of messes for someone to be a decent person, to be a good friend, to be kind and understanding? I believe so, and so I am willing to take what comes with the territory, accept the added difficulties, and smile through them as best as I am able. We all have to choose what course of action we are to take and to take responsibility for those choices and their repercussions, as best as we are able. And sometimes that is all that we can do, at least for now. Hopefully that is enough.