One of the benefits, if it may be called that, of listening to a lot of music is being able to put together some of the shared concerns of people through some of the music of a particular time. Today I would like to deal with an issue with which have no direct personal experience but one which is a concern to some of the people that I know. There are at least three popular songs during the same time period that wrestle with different elements of this same problem from slightly different contexts, suggesting that the problem was a massive societal problem in the 1970’s and one that remains a problem. Nevertheless, the problem is not one that has drawn a great deal of attention in the wider cultural and political world despite its significance and importance in larger matters of interest to our society.

In the early 1970’s, the singer Billy Paul sang a song in the Philadelphia Soul tradition called “Me And Mrs. Jones,” a song about a man dealing with his affair with a married woman that talks about his paramour and about the secrecy that is involved in their relationship [1]. The song has since been covered by Michael Buble, a sign that the song and its content does not appear in the least to be revolutionary in the contemporary environment. Strikingly, the song represents sympathetically the shame and guilt and degradation a man feels about being a woman’s “other man.” Given the time of the song’s release and the massive and malign social changes that were taking place in personal morality at this time, it appears as if this song is one of the first inklings of these massive changes concerning the declining honor of marriage in the eyes of women as a socially acceptable matter, something that is of great concern in our society as a whole.

Around the same time, the jazz-rock band Steely Dan released their debut album, which featured the song “Dirty Work,” a song which did not merely repeat Billy Paul’s song but dealt with the same concerns also from the perspective of the man. Here the singer reflects rather explicitly on the self-loathing that results from being merely a no-strings attached lover of a married woman. Also striking in this song, and adding to its melancholy importance, is the relationship between the accurate knowledge of the exploitative nature of the relationship and its degrading influence on him and the seeming fatalism that the singer exhibits in not doing anything about it. Despite knowing that what he does is wrong (the same is true in “Me And Mrs. Jones”), there is no action taken to stop the degradation, a lamentable commentary on our tendency to sin addiction.

A third song was released some years later that deals with the same idea, “Dirty White Boy” by Foreigner. In this particular song, there appears to be a glorification of the sort of secret rendezvous that are required to engage in such a relationship. Here, only a few years later after the first two songs reflected shame and self-loathing, this song reflects the rapid social decline that was already taking place, showing no recognition of the degradation that takes place when someone, whether male or female, is involved with someone in a secretive relationship that is illicit and dishonorable. The thrill of the forbidden (something all of us, in our own ways, have to wrestle with) is combined with the effects of such behavior on our own character and self-worth. Those who do what is dishonorable cannot escape the effects of that dishonor, although we are always free to repent and seek the restoration of our honorable character and our good name, something none of the three songs explores.

Why is this such a big deal anyway? Why should we care about the sanctity of marriage or the self-worth and honorable conduct of men in the first place? Many women and families lament the failure of men to stand up and fulfill their responsibilities. All too often men in the aftermath of divorce and estrangement see themselves valued as nothing more than the source of income for gold-digging women who want child support checks but otherwise do not wish for fathers to have any influence in the lives of their children nor have any respect for them. It is hypocritical, but hardly surprising, that those who often demand in the loudest and most strident terms for respect from others are often those who struggle the most with providing respect to others. It is a lot easier to give respect and honor to those who behave respectably and honorably. This ought not to be thought of as a surprise, and yet it does tend to surprise people to have their own respect by others tied to their own behavior as judged by others.

A respect for others includes a respect for oneself. Those who desire to be honored as husbands and fathers, whether now or in the future, ought to honor the husbands and fathers of others (as difficult as this may be sometimes, while recognizing that honor and respect may include rebuke of conduct where it is called for). We could all stand to do better in open and respectful communication, being willing to listen to others as well as feeling respected enough in relationships to honestly speak as to our own concerns. It requires a great deal of character to help others in need while not taking advantage of their vulnerability to gratify our own lusts, but if we desire to be men worthy of honor and respect from others, we have to honor and respect others and show such nobility of character even where it is not recognized and may long be unrewarded in the gratification of our own longings. Our own behavior is more than simply of interest to others, but rather it reflects on larger societal concerns, whether as a model or as a rebuke for others, and for the development of sufficient space even in our corrupt world where virtue may be recognized, if only by our Father above.

[1] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Me_and_Mrs._Jones