In the course of a conversation last night with a neighbor of mine who happens to go to the same church that I do, the subject of friendliness came up, and we made reference to Proverbs 18:24, which reads: “A man who has friends must himself be friendly, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” All too often this verse felt as a club for those who are not extroverted and naturally outgoing people. I would hope that I have never used this verse in that way, but it is quite easy for others to feel attacked for their lack of friends in the way that this verse is used. The verse also has a bit of a sting in the tail when it comes to the way the verse closes, and this short proverb has a lot to offer in terms of reflection (as many of the proverbs of the Bible do). So, therefore, let us reflect a bit on this proverb today.

The first half of this verse is often taken to mean this: “To have friends one must be friendly,” and this is a fair understanding of the verse. Of course, a lot of meaning is loaded in the word friend and friendly, especially in light of the second half of the verse. Friends, as the Bible means it here, does not merely mean superficial acquaintance, but someone who is a deep and genuine friend. This requires both someone wishing to follow the wise advice of this proverb and those who are to qualify as friends to be people of genuine goodwill and not merely superficial friendliness. What it encourages is not merely an outgoing personality (though some of us have this naturally and others can develop it without too much trouble) but the willingness to show love and concern for people, to take the time to get to know them well, and the depth of concern to be genuine and loyal to those whom we befriend.

It is at this point that I would like to speak somewhat personally. I would like to hope that I am a friendly person, not merely in the sense of being superficially outgoing and sociable, but in the sense of being deeply and genuinely concerned about those around me, and willing to take the time to get to know people deeply. I must admit that I struggle with trusting others to let them close to me, for a variety of reasons, and that there is a wide disconnect between the ease of knowing about me (because of my outgoing and bluntspoken nature) and the sometimes difficult task of people knowing what makes me tick. In the course of my life I have lived and traveled in many areas, and God willing I will do a fair bit of traveling in the time that remains to me. Those congregations (and people) I have known to be the friendliest were not necessarily filled with charming and gregarious individuals, but were rather filled with people who were willing to spend lots of time in conversation about subjects of mutual interest as well as matters of personal importance, people who could recognize respect and concern and love and show it to others as well. Where these conditions have been lacking, my relations have generally been poor because what is gregarious and outgoing sociability to some people is rather ferocious and fierce directness to others, depending on what motive others impute to my conduct. No doubt the same is true for others–those who are shy may be retiring and awkward, and it is uncharitable to consider such people to be proud and unfriendly simply because they feel uncomfortable in crowds, or because they are more prone to quite and inward reflection rather than the sort of public proclamations that others prefer. We cannot judge by appearances–we must seek the deep sort of knowledge that comes about only from time and sensitivity to where others are coming from.

Let us therefore, in this light, consider the second part of the verse, which sheds light on the first. It reads: “But there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” Why is that? If we are truly people of deep concern and love, those people we genuinely befriend will be treated with a great deal of loyalty and respect and consideration, and they in turn can be expected to respond in kind. We will see the goodness in their heart and they will see the goodness in ours, and that bond of the Holy Spirit is far tighter than the bond of blood. After all, our close friends are families of choice–families that have been built out of our choice to love and show concern for others. All too often our physical families are families of chance [1] where we have no choice in being related to others, whatever their beliefs or their behavior and conduct towards us (or our behavior and conduct towards them, for that matter). In light of the divided state of many of our families, many of us have friends that are far close than our physical families as a result of miscommunication, misunderstanding, and the divides and conflicts of our evil age. This does not mean that we should not love our families, or choose to show kindness and respect and love to others even if they do not understand us well at all, or even if we must love and respect and feel concern about them from far away, but it does mean that intimacy is not due to blood, but rather due to choices and behaviors that lead to trust and intimacy and that can be destroyed by a lack of either or both.

What this verse, therefore, is commanding us is not to have a superficial sociability that can easily make acquaintances. Some people have that gift of personal charisma, and others do not. We are not being told to cultivate a false charm that we do not naturally possess. What we are being told to do is consistent with the rest of scripture, to treat others with love and respect, to take the time to get to know them and their ways well, and to show ourselves for who we really are, to build up genuine friendships that are strong and that endure because of our own loyalty and integrity and decency of character. And once these friendships are formed, no matter how far away from others we are in geographical distance, we will be close to them in our hearts, closer than we are with many of our physical families in many cases, sadly. Let us therefore cultivate the behaviors that allow us to build close and genuine relationships with people like ourselves, of genuine love and respect and concern for others and their well-being. That is something we can all do, regardless of how sociable and outgoing we are by nature.

[1] https://edgeinducedcohesion.wordpress.com/2012/01/08/families-of-chance-families-of-choice/