This afternoon, among other tasks I was more interested in completing (such as trying to finish a couple of chapters on my November nonfiction “novel” and completing a book review, both of which I ended up doing), I got in a lengthy and rather testy exchange online with someone who fancies herself an authority in one of the many internet groups I happen to be a member of. As someone who in general has rather tense relationships with authority figures, I reflected at length about the source and origin and implications of my rather prickly relations with people who demanded deference. One might even say that I am a bit of a porcupine when it comes to dealing with authority figures, and I’m not bothered by this, as long as it is for the right reasons. So, let us ponder the reasons why this difficulty exists.

First, let us look at why I am comparing myself to a porcupine. My love for small and often cuddly animals possessed of fierce defense mechanisms is well known. My favorite animal is the skunk, and other animals that I particularly like are echidnas, hedgehogs, anklosauruses, and porcupines. All of these animals are either omnivores or herbivores, none of them is monstrously large (even the anklosaurus is a modestly sized dinosaur), but all of them are possessed of fierce defenses against predators. My love of precisely this type of animal is rather overdetermined, especially as these prickly animals reflect my own combination of being rather disinterested in power and domination but also being ferociously resistant to abusive and tyrannical authorities. So it is little wonder that I would appreciate those animals whose particular personalities most closely mirrored my own, beings that were immensely friendly and even cuddly, harmless to those who mean no harm themselves, but possessed of fearful defense mechanisms to those who do mean harm. So when it comes to dealing with authority figures I am a bit (or more than a bit) of a porcupine.

Let us then consider the triggers of most of my difficulties with authority figures, which come from a small and select group of consistent difficulties that occur time and time again. Chief among these problems are three. The first is that while I am in general a polite and respectful person, I am also a bluntspoken and honest and open person who does not tend to hide my dissatisfaction or concern, and I am also not a deferential person to people in authority, which is often bracing and uncomfortable for those who are used to deference from others. In other words, I can understand how that could be a problem. Additionally, I tend to react strongly, harshly, and negatively to disrespect. If strangers call me by nicknames or if people show a condescending attitude towards me or my thoughts, there will generally be swift and ferocious replies, and a call for them to respect me as I merit as a human being possessed of intellect and sound reason, as well as a fierce pen. I find that many people who demand respect for themselves are not particularly good at giving it to others. This lack of reciprocity tends to lead to conflict, and I tend to be particularly sensitive to this sort of lack of reciprocity in dealing with authority figures and peers as a fiercely egalitarian person. Third, I tend to be the sort of person whose openness, intellectual curiosity, and deep and abiding interest in questions of legitimacy and accountability tend to attack the ground on which insecure leaders rely for their sense of dignity and honor and self-importance. This tends to mean that I am viewed as a threat to the position of insecure authority figures despite my general lack of interest in attaining political offices for myself. Nonetheless, I can generally understand the basic reasons why I tend to have prickly relationships with authority figures.

It should be noted that my biggest problems are with insecure authority figures, though sadly it seems as if a majority of the authority figures in my life have been insecure ones. This is not entirely their fault. A great many people who have lived difficult lives of disrespect and privation and even abuse seek positions of authority because it clothes them with a dignity and respect that they do not feel in their lives. I’ve lived a hard life, and I understand the temptations of seeking positions of office to gain respect that one does not have as a human being from others. It’s a trap, though. The trap is that if we use an office to gain honor and dignity that we do not receive from our own character and personality, then our self-respect depends on the possession of offices that are often dependent on the political whims of equally insecure people who are doing the exact same thing, only slightly higher in the hierarchy. This means that keeping self-respect often means engaging in or tolerating in the corruption of one’s peers and superiors in order to keep one’s own position and rank secure. That’s not a course I am willing to follow.

What I have found particularly fascinating is the difference between those who have tended to suffer more abuse (and the resulting insecurity) at the hand of authority figures and those who have suffered at the hand of peers. Those whose abuse was primarily from authority figures (like myself) have tended to be rather prickly and independent-minded and ferociously hostile to any increase in power for authorities and governments. I can definitely relate to this concern from my own experiences. In contrast, those whose abuse and insecurity is as a result of problems from peers have tended either to support (and manipulate) strong leaders to defend themselves and their own interests or to desire positions of authority for themselves in order to defend themselves from their (former) peers. It is striking how consistent this pattern of response to abuse and insecurity is as we respond to abuses by either seeking greater egalitarianism to reduce the risk of abusive authority on the one case or seeking greater authority for ourselves or directed on our behalf in order to get rid of a threatening equality. This pattern seems relatively consistent in one’s political worldview whether it involves families, businesses, churches, or governments. In fact, I often tend to guess where people’s struggles and insecurities have generally come from by their attitude to powerful and paternalistic government–and generally view those who share my own extreme ambivalence (or are even more hostile) to the power of authorities as those who have experienced or greatly fear abuses from authorities.

My ambivalence to authority, and my immense hostility to abuses coming from above, like most problems, has been overdetermined. Whether one looks at my priestly ancestor who participated in an early 18th century anti-monarchical revolt and whose grandson avenged the family honor by participating on the Patriot side of the American Revolution, or my extensive Scot-Irish background of independent-minded covenanters who despised corrupt divine-right kinds and vile popery and were fiercely egalitarian, or my own personal background of abusive behavior by insecure authorities in the family, schools, churches, and nations where I have lived over the course of my life, one sees the same pattern. Being a person who tends to recognize and respond to such patterns, it is little surprise that after more than three decades of experience in dealing with insecure and abusive authorities that I would tend to react early and harshly to it, in order to minimize the damage even if it increases the risk that someone who stands out that I will attract more notice and conflict than most people are comfortable with.

And so what remains to be done? Understanding the nature of the problem is easy enough, but what can be done. Thus far my understanding of the insecurity of many authorities has not in any way lessened my difficulties with them (in fact, it has often made things worse because my knowledge of their insecurity makes my probing and questioning even more threatening, since it is done with knowledge and not in ignorance). It might possibly help, in the future, if insecure authorites knew that I did not want to replace them and that I did respect them, even if in an unfamiliar or unusual way, but that depends on their knowledge and not my own. Alternatively, authority figures could themselves develop the habits of respecting others and not seeking the robes of office to clothe their own nakedness and insecurity, but the odds of that happening are rather slim given the state of our socities and institutions. Another solution would be to acquire enough power myself (that would not be abused) that there is less reason to be a prickly porcupine because other authorities are less powerful and threatening relative to me. That is an immensely appealing solution, for obvious reasons. At least I know why I have problems with insecure and abusive authorities, even if it is vastly harder to solve the problem. Nonetheless, I like the power that knowledge gives me, at least the power to greater defend myself and my own interests.