I really need more face to face friends. There is one thing that internet conversations (including blogging) does not convey very well and that is tone. It is very difficult for me to convey tone effectively face to face, and online communications only increase the barriers to comprehension. It’s rather frustrating in life how few people actually get me. Or how few people try, given how difficult a task it is to accurately read what is going on beneath the rather stony and stoic exterior or the rather up front and blunt personality that masks a lot of complicated things going on behind the scenes.
Since I’m not interested in being the bad guy in fights, or being the villain in someone’s villain tales, let’s lay out the ground work of what sort of help I want from those friends and associates I have in real life and cyberspace, wherever and whomever they may be. These are my list of expectations and requests for those who are of genuinely good will:
Healer: At some point in my life, hopefully soon, I am going to need someone in my life (this job is really for a young woman) who is going to have to be a loving and affectionate and understanding and patient listener to stories about my life and my hopes and fears, who does not mind talking about the same things over and over again, providing a safe place among life’s tempests. Such a young woman, it should be fairly warned, would have to accept that if she even begins to take on such a task that I will fall in love with her because of who I am, and she is going to have to handle that. It would, of course, be best if she felt the same way about me.
Friends: The needs I have from friends are very specific, because they have to put up with a lot (but, on the plus side, I’m generally someone who can take a lot as well), so I would like to spell out some of them. I really want people in my life who are encouraging, who are good at providing gentle reminders about the things I miss, who are patient enough to draw me out of my shell (which takes time and effort) and who can provide specific tips on how to get to where I want to go. They are going to have to be able to handle me the way I am and at the same time be willing and able to give me a nudge to help me get where I want to go. Bluntness on your part is not required, but openness and honesty, and an appreciation of my own bluntness and honesty, is required.
I already have a few people (very few nearby, unfortunately) who meet the second qualification. No one, obviously, has been willing to take on the first, which is a matter of some delicacy. Those willing and able to fulfill these positions are welcome to contact me by any available means. You know where to find me–I’m not that hard to find.
Edge Induced Cohesion 
I don’t know you very well, and for that reason I may be way off base in my comments. If this is the case, please let me know. I am only expressing my impressions and opinions, because though I don’t know you very well, I do care.
If you want a healthy marriage (and I’m assuming you do), then finding someone to be your healer is not the answer. This will create an unhealthy dynamic in the long-term. Either the woman will tire of the job of healer, creating resentment over the fact that you’re so dependent on her for a very tiring job, or you will outgrow your need to be healed and she will likely feel threatened and insecure that her “job” role has changed. She may not know how to take on a different role if she has grown up being a “healer”, which is a role that generally arises out of abusive situations in childhood. Seeking out a “healer” while you need to be “healed” creates an imbalance in a relationship, and an imbalanced relationship is not in my opinion a good idea.
I know it is hard, but I think you need to come to healing, or at least make it half-way there and be well on the way to fully healing, before entering into a long-term romantic relationship. Depending on your wife as your healer will likely lead to more long-term pain and trial.
I know having a “healer” may seem ideal in a dating relationship, but dating (hopefully) leads to marriage, and this is not a good plan for a marriage. If you need someone to help you heal, I would suggest seeking out other men who have been in your shoes and can relate to your struggles. I would not recommend mixing your necessary healing with your love life. Heal first, and then find the woman of your dreams.
Much care,
Sonya
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I’m not saying that is where I want to be; I’m just saying where I am now. And I do not find what you said to be objectionable, even if I don’t fully feel comfortable responding to it at length here.
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(afterthoughts) Women have a tendency to want to change their men. If you find a woman who wants to be your healer, if she thinks you’re broken in some way and thus needs healing, this is almost inevitable. She will want to change you even moreso than a woman who does not see you as broken and in need of healing. This also leads to a lot of frustration down the road. Again, it’s just not a good idea.
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God only knows I have enough women in my life who want to change me. And they’re not even romantically interested–if one is going to have to deal with the frustration anyway (and I do), at least one ought to get something out of it.
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Not sure how you will receive this Brother Nathan (and to quite honest what I am about to say has both frustrated and angered a lot of people in my life), but I frequently tell people around me “I don’t need friends, that I need men and women of God in my life.” I think a lot of the frustration some people have comes from apparently their hearing only the first part about “I don’t need friends.” However, I state it that way to contrast the worldly concept of “friends” with what God expects of us as men and women of God who should be walking in fervent love one for another. Sometimes Christians are attracted to the seemingly benign worldly concept of “friends” not realizing how much the deceptiveness of sin has polluted what should be spiritual into merely carnal.
Please don’t think I am attributing this mentality to you, I have a great deal of respect for you because of the blunt honesty you display for the reason that I sense a controlled measure of restraint coupled with wisdom. But I feel in all women and men of God there is a sincere longing for openness and honesty in relationships that don’t patronize us, but sincerely seek the best for others and always there to bear others burdens. After all, charity, godly charity, never fails . . . so until we truly surrender all and allow God to complete His work in us we still need longsuffering and forbearance with others.
Anyway, if circumstances were better, I would surely invest face time with you . . . I need men of God like you in my life.
Stay blessed,
William
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No, that is exactly what I mean when I say the word “friends” as I did in this post. I am not offended at all. God has given me a heavy burden to bear in life, and it is far too great for my own shoulders alone. As someone who is very understanding and merciful with others, and very honest and open with my own struggles and shortcomings, I feel it necessary at times to remind others that I need plenty of mercy and understanding and longsuffering myself.
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” I feel it necessary at times to remind others that I need plenty of mercy and understanding and longsuffering myself.’
Me too friend, me too . . ..
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We all need mercy, but sometimes we forget that others need it as much as we do.
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A Priest Forever In The Order Of Melchizedek
Posted on July 9, 2011
Just over a year ago this is where we first met and I want to let you know that in me you have a friend and a brother forever. I knew immediately that we were going to become friends becuase I could sense something raw and sincere about you that I do not find in many people. I too feel that I am raw and sincere and together I believe that we can make things happen and shake up a few people to the point of recognition.
Sometimes when I look at your picture I laugh out loud because I believe that I understand what is going on inside of your melon, and sometimes I feel sad because I believe that I know what is going on inside of your heart.
I believe that God wants you to meet and marry a wonderful woman but it is you that is getting in the way because you still have a difficult time believing that you can be loved and this is just not true my friend.
May God forgive me for this but I will show you how much of a friend that I am by saying that you should step away for a time (religious sabbatical) and go out into the world as a commoner and an ordinary person to see what comes of it.
I have always felt that Melchizedek was an ordinary man who no-one could trace his geneology meaning that they could not tell which religious organization that he came from, or even if he had any religious training at all, they only knew him to be a Godly (good) man and that it is enough sometimes.
Another reason that I know that I am your friend is because when I read your entry I started to tear up mostly because it was like something that I might have written abiout my self.
Always a brother and forever a friend and no more in the shadows.
Richard 🙂
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You’re probably right that I get in my own way, but it’s hard to avoid that if you know no other way of being. As for going out into the world as a commoner, I have never been anything else. I have never seen myself as anything more special than anyone else could be, aside from those talents and abilities that God has given me. You are certainly right that I am raw and sincere; it is the way I am, although it certainly does cause its share of difficulties with other people.
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People change every day and you are a people. What I meant by a “commoner” is to talk with people on their terms without referring to scripture at every opportunity (sorry for assuming that you do) The time will come for that and when it does we will recognize it as we are prepared. I can’t help but to believe that even Godly women at times want to talk about something else. If there is one thing that can only assume is that you have a strong religious presence and at times this can be distracting and even intimidating to a woman because we all fear that we cannot measure up.
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How often do you read my blog? I deeply care about scripture, and to a great deal scripture is embedded in the way I think, but I am not someone who quotes scripture all the time, and I am quite content to have conversations about sports, tease girls about their need to buy cute clothing, or talk about popular music and culture. I’m not a snob when it comes to such conversations, and I hope I do not sound as if I am serious and high-minded all the time. Even someone like myself needs laughter and jokes and fun.
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Okay like I said , I can only assume and I apologise, please forgive my ignorance 🙂
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Even my blog should be full of such evidence. But you are forgiven; I’m not too spiteful of a person.
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Thank you 🙂
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You’re very welcome.
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