Since I spend a great deal of time pondering the question of consent, I thought it might be worthwhile to spend a little bit of time pondering the barriers to consent. We all give lip service to the ideal of consent, but in practice we tend to let other things get in the way. All too often we prefer our own convenience and pleasure to the difficulties of ensuring consent. And all too often our impatience leads us into trouble because the time spent in gathering consent, as frustrating as it appears at the time, is not wasted time, but is rather the time that it takes to ensure that any decision that is made has a broad base of support and that reflects the interests and perspectives of as wide a group as possible.

What are the main threats to consent? Surely a modest piece as this one cannot identify all of them, much less talk about how to solve all of these threats. Nonetheless, if we are aware of the more important barriers to achieving consent in our relationships with others, we might as well be able to notice when we are being pulled by these forces in a way that might sabotage the greater relationships that we are trying to preserve. And if we are able to fight against these threats, we may be better at providing others with consent and avoiding the tendencies to bully and abuse others that are at risk in any sort of relationship.

One of the biggest threats to consent is impatience. Often it requires a great deal of time and effort to achieve consensus. This ought not to be a surprise. We all have different perspectives and different interests, and we are prone to thinking (often mistakenly) that our best interests are the same as the common good. In order to achieve a large degree of support for a plan, one needs to spend time and provide others with an opportunity for input, as well as to answer their needs and concerns in a thoughtful and honest way. People are far more likely to support a plan if they were involved in its creation, even in a minor way, than if something is forced on them by others (which is a denial of their right to consent). Unless we are patient and allow the opportunity to develop properly, we will ruin far more than we help.

Related to the problem of impatience is the problem of disrespect. It is easier to be patient with someone if we deeply respect them and care about what they think and how they feel, even for people who are naturally impatient like myself. We are also more willing to implement the ideas of those whom we respect. It should not be a surprise, therefore, that giving respect to others helps to develop consent. Because if all parties involved genuinely respect others and wish the best for them, there are usually solutions and answers that can address everyone’s concerns. One can make compromises, or sometimes find answers that are better than any side originally presents, and sometimes one can simply table a decision for the future if conditions are not right for it to be implemented at the time. At any rate, much is possible if there is mutual respect in building consensual relationships, and without respect consent is likely to be a hollow ideal.

Another barrier to consent is ignorance or a lack of communication. If we do not know what others think, we do not know if their perspective is in line with ours, we may assume that others consent when they do not. Alternatively, we may assume that they do not consent when they may, if we could only communicate openly with them. All too often others feel the same way we do–they too want love and respect and honest communication, but they think differently than we do. And so we tend to overestimate how excellent our ideas are based on our own narrow perspectives and underestimate the genuine respect and concern that others have for us. And because we are insecure and live largely in ignorance of what others think and feel, it is hard to know what it is that others are willing to agree to, and on what terms.

In examining these particularly common threats to consent, we ought to recognize that they can be easily solved with enough will. If we desire honest communications with others we must create an environment where the truth is respected and not punished. If we desire others to respect us, we must respect them and their thoughts and perspectives. And if we desire to create solutions to the problems of our world that will be implemented and widely agreed to, and that will have legitimacy, we need to take the time to allow for input and trial and persuasion. A right solution that is hurried, that disrespects those who are asked to implement it, and that has not been communicated openly is the wrong solution, and with time, respect, and openness most of our difficulties can be resolved without hostility, if we were only willing to work on ourselves and to show some consideration to others.