It is hard for the prideful heart to make an apology. I never feel comfortable when I have to make an apology, with the mix of anger at myself for having caused offense, the sense of wounded pride at having to admit fault, and the sincere desire to make things right. I suppose others feel the same way. I hope I never become proficient enough at apologies to do it with glib words and the absence of deep and ambivalent feelings. The moment one can apologize without feeling it is the moment that an apology merely becomes a formal ritual of penance lacking in repentance. And without repentance an apology is nothing more than an attempt to manipulate others into feeling better about you with no change in your own behavior.

Like everyone else, I have a rather prideful heart. The prideful heart is quick to demand other people to apologize first before making what one knows to be necessary apologies for one’s own share in the blame. I have lived a life with a lot of broken relationships, and I know that not all of the fault for that belongs on the other people. Though I have received few apologies from those around me, for some really serious matters, I have recognized at some length and some difficulty that I need to apologize even if someone else is too proud themselves to apologize for their own share of the blame. I cannot sabotage my own character and my own development of genuine humility (without that common ersatz humility of a mixture of prickly pride and intense self-loathing) simply because others are not willing to do their share.

I have enough experience with my own broken relationships and the rather combative relationships I have with others to recognize that there are a few qualities I need to keep relationships going well and repair the inevitable arguments that happen with those who are in any kind of relationship with me. For one, I really try to make an extreme effort at encouraging openness with others, whether that means giving others space and time and plenty of respect while also dealing rather quickly and bluntly with more serious things that need to be addressed before they get out of control. The fact that my own personality is rather blunt and outspoken tends to lead others to be deceived into thinking that I am less understanding and compassionate and feeling than I am, which encourages others to be harsher than is entirely necessary as well.

I have found more and more than I really depend on honest third parties. I really need to have people who can serve as good faith intermediaries and communicate my concern to others and of others to me, to encourage me to make peace rather than keep warring. In both love and war I need to have people with whom I can consult and who can provide a more neutral perspective in those two vexing problems that fill so much of my thoughts, the conflicts I find myself in and the relationships I wish to have or repair. Since my natural mode of communication is not one that tends to reduce tensions with others, I tend to seek out those who are honest brokers who are able to show my good faith in dealing with others, and who can let me know that good faith is reciprocated.

Yesterday I had the sad task of writing an apology note to someone I have worked with for the past year or so. Without going into too many details, the two of us did not exactly hit it off and there was a lot of mutual bad blood. For a little one one of my other coworkers has been serving unofficially as a go-between, without me asking her to do so, letting me know that the other person felt rather in the same situation that I did, and so I felt the need the write an apology note for my share of the blame, since if two people are both unhappy enough about the same situation, there is no need for my pride to keep me from owning up to my share of the blame. I may have a prideful heart, but I would ultimately prefer peace to war, if an honorable peace can be made.