Every man is king of his castle, whether he is all alone in that castle, or whether he is the pater familias of a large and powerful clan. This is true whether that rule is recognized or appreciated by others. Of course, it is easier to feel like the king of one’s castle if one is the father of a united family with the respect of one’s wife and children, and a lot harder to feel like the king of a castle when you are alone with no subjects. Likewise, it is easier to feel like the king of one’s castle if one is a leader of a powerful family, and more difficult if one’s family is poor or unfree. There are some people who may find it immensely flattering to be thought of as a king, perhaps too much so. Likewise, there are some whose life experiences may make it difficult for them to desire seeing any man as their king.

Let us ask ourselves, though, what sort of king a man is to be in his own household? This is not an idle question, either for men, women, or children. Without desiring to enter into the political questions of gender, let us examine at least briefly what the Bible says about the model of kingship in the household so that we may at least understand the model of biblical kingship as opposed to the sorts of models we see most widely in practice within the world around us, both so that we may provide the proper respect for others, and so that we may properly understand and undertake our responsibilities. After all, being a king in the biblical model is more about what we can serve and provide for others than it is about what we can get from others.

One of the places where this is most obvious is in Ephesians 5:22-30. This passage is very familiar, but for all its familiarity, we do not often stop to look at it closely in the context of the model of kingship that men are to aspire to. It reads: “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is the head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones. “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”

There are a lot of aspects of this passage that are of interest, but given time constraints, let us focus on a limited number of the most important aspects. For one, let us see that women are to be subject to their own husbands, and that husbands are to cherish their own wives. As a single man, I do not have the right to demand any woman to submit to me, and as part of the courtship process, any young woman I wished to court would have to decide for herself if I was the sort of man that she could respect and honor in a godly way so as to accept my kingship. Likewise, I do not have the right or the responsibility to cherish another man’s wife. That is the job of her husband to do. Of course, as part of any courtship a young woman would be able to determine if I cherished her enough (and thought that I would continue to do so) as I would examine whether she honored and respected me properly as we determine if we wish to commit to each other in marriage. There is a mutuality in the obligations pointed out by Paul, but these responsibilities and duties are also owed by the husband and wife to each other, not to others. Just as Jesus Christ is a jealous husband of the Church [1], so to husbands and wives have an exclusivity that they have a right to demand by virtue of the exclusive covenant made in the marriage vows. It is a foolish person who casually disregards those vows.

Let us also note that the model of kingship that a man is to follow in his own household is the model of kingship that Jesus Christ lived. A man does not get to claim any sort of divine right or mandate from heaven to rule in his household unless he follows the model of kingship that Jesus Christ himself demonstrated on earth. What sort of king was Jesus Christ? Not the sort of king that we tend to see around us, that is for sure. Jesus Christ said the following of his own kingship in John 18:37b: “You say rightly that I am a king. For this cause I was born, and for this cause I have come into the world, that I should bear witness to the truth. Everyone who is of the truth hears My voice.” So we too who are kings in the same manner and in the same order as Jesus Christ are also kings who were put on this earth to bear witness to the truth, to help others follow the ways of God as well. Jesus Christ’s words were not falsehoods, not pandering, and certainly not abusive language that sought to tear others down. Rather, Jesus Christ is a king whose words rebuke evil while edifying us so that we can be more holy through His instruction.

We are given another reason by Paul as to why a godly king should build up his subjects. For one, his subjects are temporary. The children raised by a father are supposed to be equipped as best as possible to be able to marry and start their own families. Rather than a corrupt hierarchy, a godly father is supposed to do his job and then let his offspring free to start their own families and spread his model by imitation wherever they may roam. Likewise, a wife may be subject to her husband as long as she lives, but in the world to come those who are counted worthy to receive eternal life are not given in marriage nor have offspring (contrary to the mistaken beliefs of the Mormons, for example, per Matthew 22:30). That said, the kingship we live in this life is supposed to help prepare us to be kings and priests in the world to come, where we rule over cities instead of households, having become faithful in little and developed the capacity to rule in a godly fashion so that we will be capable of ruling in a larger fashion. That rulership, as Paul and others (like Matthew in Matthew 20:25-28) state, is servant leadership, not based on lording it over others but serving it and caring for it just as Jesus Christ sanctifies and gave His life for the church whom He will marry someday.

As difficult as it may be for those who have suffered abuse from the wicked and corrupt kings of this world, we ought to recognize that the fault lies not with kingship as an institution, but rather with the corruption that has come about from sin. No institution or office has been safe from the curse of sin that reigns over all mankind as result of our own sins and the sins of our fathers. That said, no institution or office is beyond redemption for those who have repented of their sins, have received the blood of Jesus Christ to cover their sins, and who live in obedience to God’s ways and model His ways to a rebellious world. Let us be godly kings (or queens) in our own godly families, and no longer be either tyrants and bullies over those who are subject to us for a time, nor rebels against legitimate authorities because our previous experiences have been so terrible. As circumstances allow us to rule, let us rule in a godly fashion.

[1] https://edgeinducedcohesion.wordpress.com/2011/04/02/numbers-5-11-31-concerning-jealous-husbands/