The most dangerous kind of deception is self-deception. No one is so easy to deceive as ourselves, because no one wants to much to be deceived. Since human beings seem to possess an innate tendency for self-justification, to believe their actions are above board even when they are not, and to disguise the cruelty and selfishness of their hearts as ‘tough love,’ it is difficult to pierce the bubble of self deception. Today I would like to examine some of the ways that self-deception makes relationships and peace difficult. In fact, I believe that the chief barrier to peace in this conflict-torn world is self-deception, as it makes genuine peace and mutual understanding impossible. I say this knowing full well that such insights may also be used by those who are carnal against me—nor ought this to be a surprise, since I am familiar with no one’s self-deception as much as with my own.

We are familiar with self-deception particularly strongly in the case of the self-righteous. We find the self-righteous very often in our world (not least in the mirror), and depending on our spiritual beliefs we are prone to quote hostile scriptures at such individuals, such as “Judge not lest ye shall be judged.” We may do so in a variety of moods, patient (but irritated), irate, or even ironic. However, regardless of whether we speak in anger or in gentleness, to make this quote is to assume that the person dishing out correction against us is self-deceived to their own problems. Examples of this abound—people who are very exacting in their accounting of other people are less exact in accounting what others are due from them, people who are atrocious listeners and treat others with contempt complain that others don’t listen or respect them, people who are disabled largely by mental illness fail to show kindness and consideration for others who similarly struggle with such illnesses, and on and on. We judge ourselves by our good intentions, and we judge other people by their poor results. We try to be eye surgeons on the faults of others while ignoring the giant beams stuck in our own eyes—if we were more given to self-reflection, we would have more credibility to help others.

Self-deception leads to all kinds of disasters, and has many different forms. For some, self-deception takes the form of the parent who smokes trying to lecture their children against smoking, not seeing how one’s own behavior speaks far louder than one’s lecture. For others, self-deception is a dulling of the warning systems of intuition that situations and people are dangerous and unsafe. For others, self-deception can be mostly negative—negative self-talk that blinds one to one’s virtues. We need not only be deceived about the bad parts of ourselves, but also the good parts, and sometimes self-deception about our virtues and strengths leads us into self-destructive behavior. We need to recognize who we are both good and bad, for we are not totally depraved, nor are we totally righteous. We are all both sinned against and sinning, we are all mixtures of good and evil. Such is life in a fallen world—we are all fallen, but we are all created in the image and likeness of God. There is both good and bad news in accepting the truth, and being free from illusions is not only being free from being deceived about god-like intuition, or being confronted with our weaknesses, but also being freed from the burden of lies told to us by co-dependent family members or deceitful false friends, or even ourselves.

I wrote earlier that the deepest need of the human heart is to be loved and respected for what one truly is. This means that we must love and respect ourselves first, and that we must see ourselves (and others) for who they truly are, not who we would want them to be, not who we fear they are, but who they are. We cannot make other people into our image—that is not our job. But before we can be carved and shaped into the image of our Heavenly Father we must first see ourselves for who we are. And if others see us for who they are, and put up with us anyway, we ought not to be angry at them if they remind us of who we really are from time to time. Let us not assume that because we are parents or authority figures that we are immune from being told who we are by those we consider as lesser—rather, we ought to take it as a sign of respect. Likewise, if we are having an argument with someone, especially with deep and long roots, and that person tells us how they want to be treated, they are doing us a favor by helping us out in an area of weakness. We can either take it or leave it, but we ought to thank than anyway.

This world is full of conflicts, conflicts within families, within institutions, and within nations, that seem impossible to solve largely because of the problem of self-deception. We remember vividly every wrong committed against us, but cannot remember how we have wronged others. We project our problems onto others in lengthy lectures and refuse to examine ourselves. We deliver tough love to others, not realizing that we are giving to others the medicine we need to take ourselves before we are in any shape to help or critique others. For if we would judge ourselves, we would not be judged. I say this knowing that as a deeply critical person I often come off as very harsh against others. But I am far harder on myself than I am on anyone else, for there is no one I know as well and as deeply. I will put up with a lot from other people, but I will not put up with others who attack me for what they are guilty of if they will not recognize their own faults before they come after me about mine. If one wishes to serve humble pie to others, it’s best to take the first (and largest) slice for ourselves first. At least that way everyone else can know that we are not being biased or partial in our judgments.

Why is self-deception such a huge problem? Part of it is that we often think that admitting our weaknesses would remove our moral credibility to speak about the weaknesses of others. But the opposite is true. I speak as an authority about the damage of abuse, and speak out against such abuses as a survivor of such abuse. I speak about conflicts because I know them (not least because I am a combative person). If we have to be concerned about admitting weakness to others, even others who know those weaknesses very well, then we do so because we doubt their concern about our well being, and we fear that they will use that knowledge against us. If we have to fear such behavior from our family or our friends, then such people are not worth being around. For love covers sins, by not exploiting them, by not attacking them, but by gently helping them so that they can pull their own weight. For we all deceive ourselves far too often, both about good things and about bad things, because no one wants to be deceived so much as ourselves. We know, intellectually, that the truth will set us free, but we are afraid it will take from us all that we hold most dear. Because sometimes our illusions are what is most precious to us.